Let’s set our Wayback Machine for 1995, when bell-bottom trousers
and Kurt Vonnegut were all the fad and . . . oops, sorry, we went
back a little too far!
Let’s tinker with the controls a bit and see if we can reset them.

Ah, there we go, 1995 – thank
you Peabody – what a great year. Toy
Story was all the rave
in the movie theatres, the Rock ‘n
Roll Hall of Fame opened in Cleveland, Sony
released an unknown console with the silly name of Playstation and
Roberta William’s
groundbreaking Phantasmagoria was the center of controversy on home computers and in retail stores
that refused to sell the game. Phantasmagoria was a groundbreaking
full-motion-video (FMV) game that pushed the medium to limits never
before attempted.

Ghostly Desires, on the other hand, uses FMV to push the medium
to new lows.

While erotic/sexual adventure
games are not rare, neither are they commonplace. Kama
Sutra was actually a legitimate attempt
to introduce sexual/mature elements into an adventure game and – although
not as well done – so
were games like Druuna Morbis,
Riana Rouge and Erotica Island (the latter two being strong entries
for the Dungeon of Shame!).

Ghostly Desires though is nothing more than an excuse to watch short,
pornographic movies. Even worse, it is a blatant rip-off of 7th
Guest with a nude Staff, er Stauf.

For those who want to make believe that the plot is important, the
game takes place in Cortland Manor, a courtly southern mansion that
had been converted into a bordello until gutted by a fire that claimed
the lives of six of its ladies in their rooms and their Madame, Lexiana
O’Brian. The mansion was eventually rebuilt, but never sold as the
restless spirits of the crispy courtesans now scare away potential
customers. Why are these buxom beauties restless? Well, they never
got to fulfill their final sexual desires due to the deadly fire.
Finally, the refurbished mansion was taken over by the state and
designated a national monument, and that is where you come in.

This story is outlined
in the very beginning of the game via the Madame’s haunted book in the foyer. You must then explore the
rooms of the manor and attempt to free the spirits of each harlot
by solving a puzzle, and I use the term ‘solving a puzzle’ very
loosely for these are about the most dumbed-down puzzles imaginable.

For example, one of the
rooms has a window that has been bricked in. You must simply click
on the bricks and match symbols to solve
the puzzle. In the piano room you must tickle the ivories to play
Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. Just to ensure your brain isn’t
overtaxed, the notes for the song are clearly placed on the piano’s
music sheet. And what is your reward for solving these puzzles? Well,
besides the mental stimulation and the satisfaction of knowing you
have freed these women from their spiritual existence, you then get
to watch a FMV of them engaging in their profession. A piano tuner
tunes more than the owner’s piano, a phone sex call turns into
a visit from the caller and so on. It’s all pretty drab soft
porn.

But, for those of you
who are really horny and just want to get on with the movies, there
is a book in the library that, when clicked
on, automatically solves that pesky puzzle and puts you right into
the movie. Why didn’t we ever have this option in the Gabriel
Knight games!?

Probably the most imaginative
moment of the entire game is a chess puzzle that at first glance
appears as though it will be a direct
rip-off from 7th Guest. But since this game is about watching naked
people, don’t worry about being slowed down by playing a game
of chess for when you click on the chessboard, the pieces just begin
to randomly move around the board of their own accord. It’s
actually pretty funny.

The game uses a smart
cursor that changes as it moves over interactive areas. The graphics
are cheesy and the colors bland – don’t
worry though, the video quality of the porno movies is excellent.
I would like to tell you that the voice acting is well-done, but
it is hard to judge based on moaning alone. There are some nice superimposed
full-motion-video supernatural effects of the Madame, especially
one funny instance where you can flush her down the toilet.

So you’ve persevered
and saved all six women. What’s
left to do? Well, now you must travel to a secret cave beneath the
mansion and free the Madame. In what can only be described as a form
of cursor foreplay, you must touch Madame O’Brian in inappropriate
places with your cursor until she has finally removed all of her
clothing and stands before you in all her glory.

Ghostly Desires is not a good game by any stretch of the imagination, but it was
probably never intended to be anything more than it is – a
half-dozen short porno movies punctuated by short breaks to walk
from one room to another
while you wipe the sweat from your brow.

If you’re interested,
Ghostly Desires is often available on Ebay which is where I purchased
my copy. You may want to request
it be sent to you in a plain, brown wrapper. Not because of the pornographic
material, but rather the embarrassment if your mailman knew you had
such bad taste.

Final Grade: F
(find out more about our
grading system)