The Sole Survivor!

Tex Murphy and Manny Calavera.

Two men. One dead, one alive.

Two heroes. One from the 21st Century, the other timeless in death.

Both have survived the rigors of island life. Deriving sustenance from
places never imagined. Nothing has been safe from their relentless hunger–bugs,
rats, and crustaceans have all scurried from their approach.

Now they sit side by side; bonded by a common goal–to be the sole survivor
of Adventure Island.

Across from them, their faces distorted by the flickering torches, edgily
sit the six ex-survivors all ousted by a vote of their peers.

A single, shrill blast from a conch shell cuts through the heavy silence,
heralding the approach of our host for this final installment of Adventure
Island Survivor.

Emerging from the darkness of the bush, his pearly whites are in direct
contrast to the blackness of the jungle.

He thrusts his rigid index finger towards the center of the makeshift
bamboo stage that houses the wavering torch lights and in a voice that
is firm, yet piercing, he intones to no one in particular …

“It’s time to play ‘Who Wants to be an Adventure Island Survivor!'”

Regis turns to face Tex and Manny. “First, let’s hear from our survivors.
Would each of you explain why you think you deserve to be the winner?
Tex?”

The P.I. stands. His rumpled raincoat and unshaven face look just as
bad as they did the first of this competition. Tex scowls at Regis, “Where’s
Roarke?”

“It seems Mr. Roarke’s deceased buddy, Tattoo, has rejoined the
living. No one seems quite sure how this happened, but just to be on the
safe side it was decided to be in the best interests of the fairness of
the competition to remove Mr. Roarke from the proceedings.” Regis
suspiciously eyes Manny, “The last time Roarke was seen he was running
across the beach waving a can of whipped cream.”

“Well, I’ve got nothing to hide,” Tex drawls, “being stuck
on this island was no worse than my lonely, divorced life back home. If
I’m the sole survivor, then for once in my life maybe I can be perceived
as a winner instead of the pathetic loser that everyone thinks I am.”

“Very inspirational, Mr. Murphy. Mr. Calavera,” asks Regis,
“your turn to share. Would you also care to explain how you came
to be in this ‘undead’ state?”

Manny attempts to lower his big black eyes, but can’t since he doesn’t
have any pupils, “When I was a kid in Mexico, I used to work in a
sweatshop run by a crazy lady. There was an accident one day …”

“Ahem, yes,” Regis interrupts, “well, let’s get to the
voting, shall we?” Regis turns to the six ex-castaways. “Each
of your votes will count as ten percent of the total. The final forty
percent of the vote has been cast by the readers of Just Adventure. Mr.
Edward Carnby of parts unknown, may we have your vote, please?”

Once again Carnby, a man of few words and staunch principals, simply
utters the name “Manny” as a testament to his disgust with the
walking dead.

“Short but sweet. Thank you, Mr. Carnby. Mr. Threepwood from the
island of Monkey. May we have your vote, please?”

Guybrush and Simon the Sorcerer are sitting next to each other, their
hands on each other’s knees. Guybrush stands, “We are casting our
vote together. We have both decided to vote that luscious hunk Tex Murphy
off the island. We want to see what he’s hiding under that raincoat.”

Tex cringes, “I thought you two hated each other?”

“Simon is swashing my buckle now, if you know what I mean,”
Guybrush says, and both he and Simon giggle in unison.

“Ah, yes, well, thank you, gentlemen. We now have two votes against
Tex Murphy and one against Manny Calavera. Mr Twinsen of the planet Twinsun,
your vote please.”

Twinsen’s ball ricochets off Regis’s head. It lands in Manny’s lap. Regis
rubs his forehead.

“We stand at two votes apiece. April Ryan of Arcadia, may we have
your vote?”

“Well with all due respect to Mr. Murphy, I’ve seen what’s underneath
that raincoat and Mr. Simon and Mr. Guybrush can have it all for their
own. Let’s just say I’ll never eat shrimp again without thinking of Mr.
Murphy.”

“Well, it’s 3 to 2 against Mr. Murphy. Let’s get our final vote
now from Ms. Laura Bow of New York.”

Laura stands, acutely aware that all eyes are on her, “Regis, I
would like to phone a friend.”

“Let’s have our good friends at AT&T telephone Ms. Bow’s friend.
Ms. Bow, I understand that your friend used to work with you at Sierra?”

“That’s correct, Regis, and though he can sometimes be a real wolf,
I still trust his opinion.”

“Hello.”

“Yes, hello. This is Regis. I have a good friend of yours on the
line who would like your opinion.”

“Hello, Gabriel. This is Laura.”

“Laura. Long time, no see, sweet cheeks.”

“Uh, Gabriel, there are millions of people listening,” Laura’s
face is as red as a boiled crab’s shell, “Gabe, I must vote one person
off Adventure Survivor Island. Who would you eliminate–Manny Calavera
or Tex Murphy?”

“That Tex Murphy is a no-good, low-life cheat. I was supposed to
be on Adventure Island. He conked me on the head from behind and took
my spot when he found out there was prize money. He’s a …”

“Yes, well, thank you, Mr. Knight. It seems no one on this island
is without their little faults. We currently stand at four votes against
Mr. Murphy and two against Mr. Calavera. The deciding vote is in the hands
of the Just Adventure readers.”

Regis pauses to adjust his tie and plug his new line of men’s suits.

“Ladies and gentlemen, by an overwhelming majority, the readers
of Just Adventure have voted Manny Calavera off the island. That puts
the final tally at 40% against Mr. Murphy and 60% against Mr. Calavera.
Congratulations are due to you, Mr. Murphy, our Adventure Island Survivor
winner. Would you care to say a few words?”

Tex stands and furtively attempts to smooth out the wrinkles in his raincoat.
He tugs on the brim of his hat and then squints toward the camera.

Dear JustAdventure.com guys, voters, and misinformed porno surfers:

As many of you know, I haven’t been seen in public for several years.
What you may not know is that I’ve been on this god-forsaken island
since shortly after my Overseer case ended. En route to what
promised to be my most exciting case ever (The Case of Poisoned Papaya),
my speeder ran out of gas. Fortunately, I washed up here. A couple
years passed uneventfully. I worked on my tan, came up with 100 fun
things to do with a coconut, and memorized the contents of the only
reading material I’d brought with me (Letters to Playbub).

Several months ago, when the TV crews showed up, I thought I was
saved, but somehow got thrown in with the other “survivors.”
Despite my serious hygiene problems, appalling etiquette, and repeated
attempts to get banished from the tribe, I was forced to stay, week
after week.

Imagine my surprise when, despite not running around naked or
being homosexual, I was named the winner. I now look forward to
returning home and trying to explain to Chelsee why I’m over two years
late for our date. On the up side, the producers have assured me that
the $1,000,000 check is “in the mail.”

Again, thank you one and all.

(Tex’s acceptance speech was written by Tex Murphy creators Aaron Conners
and Chris Jones.)