Leisure Suit Larry:
Box Office Bust is rated M (mature) and is not supposed to be played
by anyone under the age of 17. As this review contains explicit descriptions
of game situations, it also should not be read by anyone under the
age of 17. Nor should it be read if you are easily offended by four-letter-words
or by my poor writing masquerading as humor.

If Al Lowe – the
creator of Leisure Suit Larry – were dead, he would be spinning
in his grave. But luckily Al is still with us so he’s probably
just pulling out his hair instead. Well, maybe not as Al is a charter
member of The
Bald Hair Club for Men Club. But just to be on the safe side,
I emailed the loquacious Mr. Lowe to inquire as to his involvement,
if any, with Leisure
Suit Larry: Box Office Bust, his response, “I am
quite proud to say absolutely none!”

If it
looks like a turd and if it smells like a turd . . .

So
you’ve just returned from your local Gamestop with your new
purchase – and yes, I did purchase this game for $19.99 as neither
the publisher Codemasters
nor their public relations firm Fortyseven
Communications had the courtesy to respond to our review copy
requests even though they were the ones to initiate the contact, sort
of the video game equivalent of a movie studio refusing to provide
advance screenings for films that they know will receive blistering
reviews – and as you excitedly remove the cellophane, it will
be understandable if the accompanying stench leads you to believe
that someone has taken a dump in the box and then sealed it shut.
But, there is no turd, just a game that is so bad that it actually
smells like day old dog-shit that has been ripening under the hot
sun.

How
do I hate thee, let me count the ways

Just to be clear, yes I
did play and enjoy the original Leisure Suit Larry games lo those
many years ago, but as I mentioned in my Blu-ray review of (insert
cheap
shameless plug here) The Day the Earth Stood Still,
I’m not a slave to tradition, not a diehard fanboy who believes
that old movies or games can’t or shouldn’t be remade
or updated.

But in the case of Leisure
Suit Larry: Box Office Bust, why even use the LSL license
if he is only a superfluous character in the proceedings? Why transform
what had been a successful adventure game franchise into a platform/arcade/fighting
game? And while I’m at it, how about these other whys:

• Why isn’t there
  a desktop quick launch icon available after installation?
• Why can Larry fall off
  ledges and die? Haven’t the developers heard of that new programming
  technology named ‘This is 2009 and Not 1990’?
• Why is it so damn hard
  to save in this game?
• Why are there what I
  assume are console button commands on the screen when I am playing
  the pc version?
• Why can Larry change
  his costumes? Is this a Barbie doll simulation?
• Why – except when
  there is a mini-game involved – can’t Larry speak to
  or hit on the numerous women wandering through the game?
• Why did the retail price
  of the console version drop $10 only a week after the game’s
  release?
• Why was there a glowing
  review of this game on Amazon before it was even in the stores?

And I’m really just
warming up! Between the numerous load screens, humorous ‘hints’
are offered to the gamer. Just try to not wet your knickers from laughter
at the following:

• Give a copy of this
  game to your grandma for her birthday.
• Hint: Move out of your
  mother’s basement.
• Blatant inspirational
  lie of the day #3 – Characters in games want to be your friends.

As the game is unhindered
by any resemblance of humor – as evidenced by the above –
one would think that other aspects of the game would take up the slack,
and one would be wrong. The keyboard controls for the PC version are
absolutely, downright awful. The frustration encountered just attempting
to jump between ledges or to drive a golf cart without crashing into
every object on the screen is insurmountable. Never since the days
of the earliest PC platform games have there been such wonky, no make
that putrid, controls.

The graphics – in
a game that is supposed to be about getting laid and ogling hot babes,
why in the hell are the women so butt-ugly and misshapen? Why are
camera angles constantly out-of-kilter making already difficult arcade
sequences even more challenging, if not impossible? Why can I sometimes
see backgrounds through the characters?

What is truly, truly mind-boggling
is the quality of the voice talent hired for this game – Jeffrey
(Arrested Development) Tambor, Dave (Insomniac) Atell, Shannon (American
Pie) Elizabeth, Peter (Mission Impossible) Graves, Jay (Gary Unmarried)
Mohr, Patrick (The Tick) Warburton, Artie (Howard Stern Radio Show)
Lange, Carmen (I’m a walking STD) Electra – yet not one of them
says anything memorable or leaves a lasting impression thanks in a
large part to the insipid dialogue.

Jack-Off
of All Trades, Master of None

The
premise of the game is that legendary lounge lizard Larry Laffer now
owns his own adult movie studio, but some recent suspicious events
lead him to suspect that there is a mole in his employ, so he hires
his nephew Larry to perform various jobs on the studio lot while secretly
attempting to uncover the identity of the double-crossing employee.

This game tries to be everything
– fighting, shooting, driving, horseback riding, seduction –
but does absolutely nothing right. It is so sophomoric and amateurish
that I have to wonder if anyone on the development team is out of
puberty. In fact, I think Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust
is indicative of a larger problem within the game industry and provides
credence to author and game critic Heather Chaplin’s much-discussed
statement at the 2009 GDC that, “It’s not that the
medium is in its adolescence, it’s that you’re a bunch
of fucking adolescents. It’s even worse because you’re
technically supposed to be adults.”

Though the game is rated
M(ature) for age 17 and over, this is raunchy, titter humor aimed
at young male teens, who are supposedly not the intended audience.
Though there is some sexual activity in Larry’s sleazy, rocking
trailer, there is no visual nudity or sex. So what then is the point
of the game? If both the publisher and developer don’t have
the cojones to ‘go all the way’ as games like Lula
3D and Bonetown have done just because
they are afraid of an A(dult) rating, then why even bother with a
water downed Mature rating to release a game that anyone over the
age of 17 will avoid like a venereal disease?

I am not claiming that
Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust is the worst
game of the decade because it has, once and for all, emasculated the
LSL license, nor is it because it has soiled my fond memories of the
Sierra classics. Nope, I’m proclaiming that Leisure
Suit Larry: Box Office Bust is the worst game of the decade
because it truly is the worst game I’ve played in the past ten
years.

Considering the probably
above average budget, the big-name voice talent and the involvement
of a publisher once recognized for quality titles – though to
be fair, Codemasters did acquire the rights late in production after
Vivendi/Activision reorganized and put the game in limbo – this
is a major embarrassment for all concerned.

Goodnight Larry. Sleep
tight and may we never see your scrawny ass again.

System Requirements:
PC

• OS: XP/Vista
• Video card: GeForce
  6600 / Radeon X1300
• RAM: 1 GB
• Processor: 3.2 GHz
• Hard disk space: 6 GB
• DirectX: 9.0c