The Game Guy

The Game Guy: New Year’s Just Adventure Edition By Mark H. Walker

My Semi-Grownup New Year’s Wishes
Here it is, 2002. Prompted by Bonnie at Electric Playground I put together a Christmas wish list. I’ve updated it and put a New Year’s spin on it for Just Adventure. Look not for a rhyme or reason. As with many of my columns this list concerns not only gaming, but the gaming life, which playing video games is but a small part of. So, for what it’s worth –which, judging by both Internet advertisement rates and my income, isn’t much– here’s my wishes for the Year 2002.

In 2002 I’d like:

• Websites and magazines to require their writers to use their real name instead of silly shit like “Zapper.” Hey folks, if you’re ashamed of what you write, or can’t take the heat, then don’t write.
• I’d like the following words and phrases to be edited from reviews, stricken from the English language, and burned at E3 this May. I understand that Amazon sells Thesauruses:
  • Compelling –except when I’m referring to my wife in a green dress.
  • Over the top –except when referring to World War I infantrymen.
  • Rocking –except when referring to Def Leppard, Three Doors Down, or the closing dance scene in Shrek.
  • 24/7 –absolutely no exceptions. We don’t need 24/7. Whatever happened to 9 to 5, five days a week?
  • Happy Holidays –call it Christmas -I’m not asking anyone to convert to Christianity. It is, however, a historical fact that Christ lived. This is when we acknowledge his birth. Deal with it.
  • Intuitive –except when referring to what my wife and I do in the privacy of our bedroom.
  • Robust –no exceptions.
  • Immersive –except when referring to screaming through Turn Nine at Willow Springs raceway in a T-342 Lola Formula Ford.
  • Kicks ass –except when referring to Alan Bass, my high school’s resident bad ass.
  • Seamless –except when referring to eggs.
  • African American –no exceptions –Hey, I don’t make anybody call me Euro-American.
• America to not only win a military victory in the war on terrorism, but to truly address the fundamental injustices that spawn it.
• To see more PR reps that know how to boot the games they represent.
• A real playoff system in college football.
• A great turn-based BattleTech computer game.
• A Mission Critical follow on.
• For Sony to make PS2 games that are easier to unwrap.
• Editors to learn where the reply button resides in their email program. You don’t have to want my pitches, but have the common decency to say no.
• Professional athletes who whine placed in a “real” job for a month.
• Rappers to lighten the hell up.
• More women to wear mini-skirts.
• My squad-level combat boardgame –titled Engage!— to become the rage. You can buy it at Origins.
• To stop making shameless plugs for myself.
• To watch more sunsets, tell more jokes, learn more from my kids, shoot more baskets, play my stereo louder, be nicer to people, turn off my computer, spend more time drinking beer with friends, and make lots of good memories. Convenience stores to close at 11:00 PM, work to start at 9:00 AM, and for everyone to take daily siestas on a Caribbean beach. For the entire world to stop sweating the small stuff, slow down, and enjoy each other. It’s our only chance.
• For Spring to hurry the hell up.
• And last, but not least, for God to bless us one and all.

Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Hanukkah, Happy New Year to everyone. Did I mention the PS2 wrappers?

© Mark H. Walker, LLC 2001
Mark H. Walker is a veteran interactive entertainment journalist who has written over 40 books including his recently released Myth III and Wizardry 8 strategy guides.