The 10 Biggest Turkeys of All Time
Turkeys.
Multimedia, full-motion video, star-studded extravaganzas that bragged they would
change the face of gaming. They promised us the world and gave us giblets. Not
bad enough to be in the Dungeon of Shame, where bad games are perverse treasures
to be completed at all costs. Not good enough to be played to completion when
something more interesting, such as a Windows crash, demands our attention. These
are games that guaranteed a new era in computer gaming and instead delivered repeat
visits to software stores with liberal return policies.
Turkeys. Games so
poorly constructed that we list them by alphabetical and not numerical order as
it is impossible for one to be worse than the other. The only thing these games
have in common is ineptitude. What contributed to their failure? There is no single
answer. Instead impute their ineptness to a hodgepodge of poor marketing, bloated
budgets and lengthy production schedules. Some feature major stars like Dennis
Hopper or Christopher Lloyd. Others had multimillion dollar budgets and were in
production for years. Somewhere along the line each off these games forgot the
key factor to a game’s ultimate success: entertainment.
9
Tribeca Interactive
GT Interactive
1996
You have become the sole
proprietor of the Last Resort–once the world’s premiere getaway spot for the
rich and famous–willed to you at the final bequest of an unknown relative. Claiming
the inheritance will prove to be no easy task as you must now wend your way through
art and animation inspired by drug-laced Kool-Aid. Logic flies out the door–puzzles
are often solved by chance. Your mission: investigate the Last Resort as “mischievous
forces” are destroying its remaining vestiges and mutating the Resort to
serve their own evil scheme. Aided by nine muses that inhabit the Resort and protect
its valuables from the outside world, you need to stop this destruction before
it is too late and restore the palace’s enchanted splendor.
Does any of
this make sense? Would it help if I told you that 9 featured the voices
of Christopher Reeve, James Belushi, Steve Tyler and Joe Perry of Aerosmith and
Cher? I didn’t think so. How about if I told you that Robert DeNiro was the executive
producer of 9 and the co-founder of Tribeca Interactive. No? What if Mr.
DeNiro had personally been quoted as saying that, “9 will usher in
a new era of computer entertainment,” and “Tribeca will soon be a major
force in the gaming industry.” Still not convinced? How about this: You have
two weeks to name all of Tribeca Interactive’s releases following 9.
Black
Dahlia
Take 2 Interactive
1998
Eight–count ’em–eight
CDs chock-full of Hollywood-quality full motion video and a script that is the
equivalent of Chinatown or L.A. Confidential. The plot loosely revolves
around the real-life murder of Elizabeth Short, an aspiring actress found murdered
in Los Angeles in the 1940s. Her obsession with the color black led the press
to dub her Black Dahlia. The game pivots around the Cleveland Torso murders and
expands to encompass the Black Dahlia, Nazis, and the supernatural in a web of
intrigue and mystery. Dennis Hopper does yet another of his Blue Velvet recreations
as an agent drive insane by the investigation. Believable dialogue and an ending
that is still discussed could have made this game a winner.
Eight–count
’em–eight CDs chock-full of puzzles that have virtually no relation to the story.
Slider puzzles, jigsaw puzzles, and lever puzzles galore–over 60 of them!–that
feel as if they were tacked on to increase the game length. Many of the puzzles
are so difficult that the developers inserted codes in the game to allow for an
instant solve. Terri Garr stars as seer Madame Cassandra. Her monotonous delivery
and obvious reading from the cue cards make one wonder if she was drugged and
forced to appear in this game without her approval. Disk 7 is a show-stopper;
infested with bugs. Calls to the Take 2 support desk either went unanswered or
were curtly dismissed with a, “Well, it must be your computer!” Must’ve
been a lot of bad computers sold that year. In response to the huge public outcry
over Take 2’s technical support, Take 2 announced that they would no longer be
producing adventure games as the fans were rude and ungrateful. We know you are,
but what are we?
D
Warp
Acclaim
1995
This game was produced for every system imaginable.
For its time, D had great third-person graphics and terrific detail, atmosphere,
and music. Its mansion filled with deadly traps and a discover-the-true-identity-of-the-serial-killer
plot with multiple endings made it a must-have for any horror fan.
The game’s
major drawback: it occurs in two real-time hours. You will have finished D
in about the same amount of time it has taken you to read this synopsis.
Harvester
DigiFX Interactive
Merit Studios
1996
Decades in the making! Well,
not really, but it sure seemed like it as Harvester advertisements ran
for years trumpeting its imminent release. By the time it was actually released,
not only was it no longer “cutting-edge” but it seemed to have been
written by a group of 12-year-olds posing as adults. Or maybe it was a group of
adults with the mentality of a 12-year-old. Either way, Harvester did nothing
to reap new adventure fans.
Supposedly set in the America of the 1950s,
Harvester attempts to emulate David Lynch in a Leave it to Beaver/Norman
Rockwell setting. But the Beaver’s mom now has a cleaver, and she will hack you
to pieces–and then eat your body parts. Harvester is more interested in
attempting to offend than it is in presenting a sardonic look at the underbelly
of life in the idyllic nifty fifties. The main character is thrust into a situation
where he does not know who he is or where he is. It took them three years to come
up with this?
The town of Harvest is controlled by a Lodge (imagine ominous
music every time you read The Lodge), a secret order that has a strange grip on
the townspeople. The firemen are an effeminate, lisping force who sketch nude
models, the grade school children have misshapen heads courtesy of a school board
that advocates corporeal punishment, and what is that strange looking meat in
the walk-in freezer? Yawn. The producers of Harvester were hoping to offend
the world and sat back waiting for the resulting controversy to sell truckloads
of games. If their efforts had been subtle instead of in-your-face blood, guts,
violence and a “look at the bad things we are doing” attitude, they
could still be pumping out sequels today.
Of
Light and Darkness
Interplay
1998
The box art for Of Light
and Darkness was extremely controversial. How do we know it was controversial?
Because the PR people for Interplay kept posting on the newsgroups that the box
art was controversial. Never you mind that no one ever saw an article in Time,
USA Today, Entertainment Weekly or any of the gaming magazines concerning
an uproar over the box art. The Interplay PR shills were determined that they
would make this game sell by contriving their own controversy. Something tells
me that they had played this turkey and knew it wouldn’t sell based on its gameplay
alone. By the way, the box art features an angel curled in a fetal position. I
haven’t a clue why this is considered controversial.
OLAD is another
star-studded extravaganza. James Woods and Lolita Davidovich headline what is
every point-and-click adventurer’s nightmare: timed puzzles. The main goal of
the game is to redeem the Apparitions. To do this, you must race against the clock
as you travel through rooms that represent the Seven Deadly Sins while redeeming
the souls of notorious evil sinners from the past millennium. Factor in a lot
of hooey about the Dark Lord, Nostradamus and The Book of Revelations, and there
should at the very least be an interesting plot. There isn’t. OLAD should
have a sticker on the box: Guaranteed to Cure Insomnia. If you play this game,
it will be your eternal responsibility to explain to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
why you were not able to complete a timed sequence to stop the Apocalypse.
Starship
Titanic
Simon &
Schuster
1998
Douglas Adams is a god. He has written one of the
funniest books of the last 25 years–Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy–and
what is recognized as one of the best text adventure games of all time–Infocom’s
Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. He should have quit while he was ahead.
The premise–an advanced civilization has built the biggest and most luxurious
space craft in the galaxy: the Starship Titanic. As with the original Titanic,
nothing can go wrong–until it crashes into your house (can we say ripping off
your own material here?). You soon find yourself aboard a interstellar vessel
that is run by robots who have lost their minds, and the only way home is to repair
the ship. To do so, you’ll have to question the robots, upgrade your class, and
unravel the mystery of what caused the accident on the day of the launch.
The
game is full of Douglas Adams’ usual dry wit and humor, but the plot never advances
beyond its basic shallow premise. Conversations with the robots take place via
a text parser (for you newbies, that is when you had to use your keyboard to type
a question and the computer gave you a response). This idea must have sounded
great in board meetings, a combination of the best of the past with the 3D graphics
of the present, but it fails miserably in execution. The graphics, while highly
detailed, are staid and unimaginative. The majority of the puzzles have zilch
to do with the story, and repetitive transitions scenes are mind-numbing.
If
you really want to lead us into the future, then don’t do it by repeating the
past. Text parsers had their day in the sun; this is one ship that should have
stayed in dry dock.
(By the way, just so you know what a sell-out I am,
when I met Douglas Adams at the E3 two years ago, I sheepishly told him how much
I loved Starship Titanic.)
Toonstruck
Virgin Interactive
1996
Toonstruck is the record holder of two
dubious honors: quickest game to ever make it to the bargain bin and game residing
in same bin for the longest period of time. There seem to be more unsold copies
of Toonstruck in the world then there are buried cartridges of Atari’s
E.T. If there is a breast game among the turkeys, then Toonstruck is wing
and thigh above the rest. A lively combination of live-action video and cartoon
animated sequences, Toonstruck starred, to name just a few, Christopher
Lloyd (Back to the Future, Taxi), Ben Stein (Win Ben Stein’s Money),
Dan Castellaneta (the voice of Homer Simpson) and every adventure gamer’s favorite
thespian, Tim Curry.
Toonstruck is a computer descendant of the classic
film, Who Framed Roger Rabbit. The protagonist, Drew Blanc (Christopher
Lloyd), finds himself sucked into an episode of the cartoon series he despises
animating, The Fluffy Fluffy Bun Bun Show. Drew must now save his fictitious
land of Cutopia by constructing a Cutifier machine that will reverse the detestable
plans of the evil Count Nefarious. Countless wisecracks and tricky puzzles are
employed to present a polished and professional product.
The creation of
Toonstruck entailed 250 artists who designed 75,000 frames of animation
over a two-and-a-half-year period. The reviews were almost universally excellent.
The game died on the shelves. Quickly. Like missing sock theories and the age-old
question of why we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway; there has never
been a reasonable or logical explanation for Toonstruck’s demise. The
losses were rumored to be in the millions, and Virgin has never recovered from
their foray into the happy-go-lucky universe of Fluffy Fluffy Bun Bun.
Treasure
Quest
Sirius Publishing
1996
What if you gave away a million dollars and nobody came? Even Regis
couldn’t help this clunker! Treasure Quest was a multimedia mystery challenge
with a million-dollar prize. Problem was, no one could finish the game. The clues
were so obscure that it took almost three years for a winner to be announced!
By that time, the game was in every Kay Bee Toys bargain bin for $2.99. Not a
bad investment to win a million.
Professor Jonathon William Faulkner has
died, leaving an inheritance of $1,000,000 to the first student who can solve
the mystery he created. You must search every corner of the professor’s rambling
10-room mansion. He has hidden words and phrases in each room that fit together
to form a quote. After you have assembled a quote for each room, you’re only one
step away from solving the mystery. Then … submit your claim for the million
dollar prize. Terry Farrell, star of TV’s Deep Space Nine, is your spiritual
guide. She appears in 10 assorted costumes, performing a different mystical role
in each room of the professor’s mansion. Ms. Farrell is featured in dozens of
Treasure Quest video clips to assist you in your million-dollar quest.
Be sure to watch her every move, and listen closely when she speaks because every
word and note you hear, and every mental image you experience, may be an important
clue.
The bigger challenge was staying awake throughout the course of the
game. Since there was only one million-dollar winner, I am assuming that only
one person has ever successfully completed Treasure Quest. Now that is
someone who is either an adventure gamer to be admired or a glutton for punishment.
And that is my final answer.
Trespasser
Dreamworks
1998
Have you ever had an urge to play an entire game staring
at your cleavage? (If you answered yes to this question and are not a woman, then
you have other problems we can’t discuss here.) Not only is Trespasser one
of the most uninspired games you could ever play, it is also a hog on system requirements
and runs slower than a constipated Brachiosaurus. It is a sure sign that your
action/adventure game is a failed project when the average puzzle consists of
clumsy attempts to stack boxes and the action sequences feature a woman’s lithe
arm pointing a revolver at an enormous dinosaur. Dreamworks’ press release proudly
trumpeted that you would be able to “battle relentless wildlife with anything
you can get your hands on.” Yep, beating off a Tyrannosaurus Rex with a two-by-four
makes for scintillating gameplay.
Trespasser’s ludicrous premise
is that you are a young woman (voiced by Minnie Driver, Hollywood’s then-flavor
of the moment) whose plane has crashed on Jurassic Park’s Site B. You must now
roam through eight levels of jungle foliage searching for help. Encountering the
occasional scaly beast becomes a dreaded nightmare, as their appearance usually
brings the graphics to a screeching halt. A realistic physics-based engine makes
every simple task aggravating and tedious. Slogging through barren landscapes
hoping for a glimpse of a dinosaur in the distance is hardly anyone’s idea of
excitement and makes one wonder what the developers at Dreamworks were doing for
the two years it took them to create such a buggy, illogical, and lackluster product.
Computer Gaming World gave Trespasser front-page coverage, proclaiming
it as a game that would change the industry! Do you get the impression that maybe
they had not yet played Trespasser?
X-Files
Hyperbole Studios
Fox
Interactive
1998
Looking for a game that recreates the mystery and
suspense of this long-running hit television series? Looking to spend a few nights
with Mulder and Scully? Well, look somewhere else–you won’t find any of the above
in this seven-CD compilation where the only mystery is why the title characters
don’t appear in any interactive scenes until the last act of the gameplay.
Conveniently,
both David Duchovny (Mulder) and Gillian Anderson (Scully) are missing (explained
in the opening cinematic), and you, Agent Craig Willmore, have been recruited
to find their whereabouts–dead or alive. Willmore, of course, stumbles across
some shady dealings that soon grow into a government conspiracy and evidence of
aliens. Instead of milking this angle for all it’s worth, The X-Files spends
an inordinate amount of time building a plot around Willmore’s failed personal
life and his limp attempts involving a love interest with a female police detective.
All-original footage shot just for this game guarantees excellent full-motion
video and location photography. But an original plot written by series creator
Chris Carter falls flat–the live-action sequences are poorly handled and the
puzzles are the “ask a hundred questions until you get the right response”
variety. Throw in a lot of mouse-clicking and pixel-hunting, and by the time you
finally find Mulder and Scully, you’ll be secretly wishing that the mother ship
had spirited them away.
