Articles
The
Seriously Whacked Point of View
by Jeff Strand
BIO: Jeff Strand is the
author of several ridiculous novels, including Graverobbers Wanted
(No Experience Necessary), Single White Psychopath Seeks Same,
and How to Rescue a Dead Princess. He strongly encourages Just
Adventure visitors everywhere to subscribe to his free newsletter
at [email protected]
and visit his website at http://www.jeffstrand.com.
He admits that he no longer has the glasses, mustache, tuxedo, or
bubbles that appear in his photo.
A short while ago that
shadowy figure of ill-repute, Randy Sluganski, asked me to write a
regular column for Just Adventure. My reaction was an immediate “Yes!”
Not because of the money, or the obnoxious self-promotion opportunities,
or even the hordes of groupies. I did it because accepting his offer
meant that from this point forward, playing computer games is no longer
a frivolous waste of time…instead, I’m WORKING!
Think about it. In my pre-columnist
days, exchanges similar to the following were very common:
MY WIFE: “Honey,
the neighbors have complained that our lawn engulfed another one of
their children. Do you think you could mow it?”
ME: “Can’t.
Guybrush needs to win the spitting contest.”
MY WIFE: “I
beg your [remarkably creative expletive deleted] pardon?”
ME: “Uhh…uhh…uhh…uhh…uhh…sorry?”
[Comical sounds of pain
and destruction.]
Kind of pathetic, isn’t
it? But no longer. Thanks to my status as a fully licensed Just Adventure
columnist, let’s look at the new, improved scenario:
MY WIFE: “Honey,
the neighbors have complained that the aroma from the dishes in our
sink is disrupting their satellite TV reception. Do you think you
could wash them?”
ME: “Can’t.
I’m playing Leisure Suit Larry Violates Monkey Island again to research
my Just Adventure column, the one that will pay for your third Mercedes.”
MY WIFE: “Oh,
I’m terribly sorry! You keep playing…I’ll wash them right away!
And enjoy those hordes of groupies!”
Yes, I’ve been given a
gift more precious than gold: a legitimate excuse to sit around all
day playing adventure games. Life is good. (The downside to this whole
situation is that I actually have to write a column every couple of
weeks, which kinda sucks.)
Of course, when I was a
kid living in the tropical paradise of Fairbanks, Alaska, I could
play games all day long without an excuse…and usually did. Mostly,
my friends and I hung out at the Giant Grinder, a sinister place that
had the biggest video arcade in town. Unholy things happened there
on a regular basis; namely, kids played video games. We didn’t drink,
smoke, do drugs, or procreate with each other, but “I’m going
to the Giant Grinder” had the same connotations as “I’m
going to the crackhouse next door to share a few hypodermic needles.
Want me to bring you back an unbathed prostitute?”
But really, the Giant Grinder
was a perfectly safe place. It was dark but clean, and if one of the
games ate your quarter (I guess I’m dating myself by using the singular),
the staff would immediately refund your money, no questions asked.
But society knew that video games were corrupting our youth, even
somebody like myself, who was honest to such a nerdy degree that once
when Donkey Kong malfunctioned and started giving out free
games, I reported it to the management. (“You’re complaining
about that?” asked the baffled guy behind the counter.)
Some of you reading this
column may not have existed in the early 1980’s, or at least been
too preoccupied learning to walk and/or speak to pay attention to
video game controversies. While you know that some people get bent
out of shape over the bodies-a-poppin’ fun of something like Duke
Nuke’Em, you probably don’t think that anybody ever got ticked
off over the relative innocence of something like Defender,
where you blew up some spaceships and defended multi-colored humanoids
that didn’t look much like any humanoid I’d ever known even by 1980
standards (although I can’t speak for the 1960’s). If you let the
humanoids fall to their death, they broke into a few pixels. If Defender
were remade today, you’d probably see a two-minute video each time
of the humanoids impaling themselves on various protruding portions
of the planet’s surface.
But, yes, the whole argument
about video games turning our youth into the Violent Lunatic Brigade
was every bit as prevalent in the Defender days as it
is now (and it wasn’t just the violence…I’m pretty sure I read something
about Pac-Man causing obesity). And in ten years, when computers
are equipped with hoses to spray faux-blood and body parts on delighted
gamers, the same kids who are playing games right now will be getting
their collective panties/boxers/thongs/Saran wrap in a twist.
The lesson? Adults like
to gripe.
Unfortunately, back in
those innocent Defender days, the pro-video game adults did
a lousy job sticking up for their hobby. They kept arguing that video
games helped develop hand-eye coordination. To the best of my memory,
that’s the only thing they ever said. You heard it all over the place,
despite it being, with all due respect to the video game supporters
of the time, really stupid.
“This is my son Charlie.
Before he started playin’ Q*Bert, it took him six or seven
times to pick up a glass of orange juice. But now it never takes him
more than two or three. Go on, Charlie, show the people how you can
pick up that glass of orange juice.”
“Aw, Pa, I don’t wanna.”
“Now, mind your sassin’
and pick up that orange juice. Show ’em your hand-eye coordination
before I go and belt you one. There. See that? See how he was lookin’
at the orange juice with his eye, and then his hand picked it up?
Didya see it? That’s the Q*Bert influence.”
“I once heard Q*Bert
say a dirty word.”
“What did I say about
your sassin’, boy?”
You’ll notice that I’ve
been talking about violent shooting games instead of adventure games,
despite the fact that the attractive “Just Adventure” logo
appears at the top of this screen. That’s because the people who get
their panties/boxers/chastity belts/spiked leather g-strings in a
twist rarely differentiate between the two, even though playing adventure
games is more valuable for our nation’s youth than studying algebra.
I know this because I kept
asking my evil algebra teacher why we needed this stuff, and she always
explained that algebra was teaching us problem-solving skills. Well,
that’s what adventure games do! And quite honestly, the average person
is much more likely to be in a situation where they have to locate
a stick and some chewing gum, attach the gum to the end of the stick,
and use the stick to retrieve some keys from a sewer than they are
to have anything to do with “coefficients.”
Unfortunately, once you’re
out of school and nobody is bugging you about what variable x equals,
you can’t use the “I’m developing my problem solving skills”
excuse anymore, nor can you get away with “I’m trying to annoy
the concerned parents who don’t know any better.” What you need
is a Just Adventure column.
I’ve got mine. Life is
good.
