The first time I saw this game on a shelf at CompUSA, nestled between
Doom and the latest Sierra release, I knew it would soon be mine. Here
was an adventure game I had never heard of, never seen an advertisement for in
any magazine. There was something about the cheesy looking box, the picture of
the golden sarcophagus surrounded by Egyptian images that reminded me of those
old Boris Karloff Mummy movies. It was a fatal attraction, like a moth to flame.
The back of the box was the clincher, though. If ever a game screamed stay away,
then this one was it. The captured screen shots on the back of the box looked
like washed-out watercolor paintings. There were only three copies on the shelf,
but they were priced at $39.99! Now even though I am a connoisseur of bad games,
I knew I had to wait for a price drop. A month passed by and still no reduction
in price. I was getting desperate. Then one day I noticed that the boxes on the
shelf looked like someone had sat on them and they had been re-shrink-wrapped.
Had someone purchased The Scroll and then returned it (CompUSA had a pretty
liberal return policy at the time)? Then the day arrived, there in the $9.99 bargain
bin, box beat up and crushed, was The Scroll. I grabbed that one copy,
took it to the counter and felt my heart drop as the clerk rang it up at $19.99.
It was in the wrong bin. No matter. I had already waited an inordinate amount
of time.

Now some people like to inflict abuse on themselves by getting
their tongue or nipple pierced, some are into sadomasochism. Me, I revel in bad
adventure games. And I had just purchased the worst. I often believe that I am
the only one in the world who has ever purchased The Scroll. I have scoured
the Internet for walkthroughs, I have posted for help on the newsgroups and I
even attempted to email Vic Tokai (when they still had a web site and a company),
yet even they never responded. It was as though the creators disavowed any knowledge
of their misbegotten conception.

What is it exactly that puts this game
head and shoulders below all others? Let’s start with the icon-based interface.
Most games have four icons that let you look, walk, pick-up and talk. The Scroll
has 18 different action icons! My favorites are the Wadjet Eye (Look), the
Sun & Pyramids (pass time or sleep) and the always popular Ankh (activate
hypertext or go to next speech bubble). I’m not making these up. Every time your
cursor changes to a different action icon, you have to rush to the instruction
manual to figure out what it means.

Let’s not overlook the all-important
plot. The Scroll is set in the year 1920. As a drug lord is digging a hiding
place for ill gotten booty, he unearths a scroll that is rumored to curse whoever
comes in contact with it. The subsequent black market appearance of this scroll
sets off an evil chain of events that could finish with the end of the world.
You can play either as Matthew Faulkner, an Egyptologist, or as an occultist,
George Stanhope, as you attempt to discover the whereabouts of the scroll (at
least that is what I think you are trying to do). They do follow divergent storylines,
but whether or not this continues throughout the course of the game I do not know,
as I have never gotten past a certain scenario in the game due to the confusing
icons and the inadequate graphics.

The back of the box boasts that there
are over 70 locations in this game. I have only been to about 20 total. I have
started and restarted this game over a dozen times and continually get stuck at
the same point. Some of the graphics in this game are so sketchy that it is impossible
to distinguish the scenery in a crowded marketplace or restaurant. The music is
unbelievable. One scene in a restaurant features some funky Egyptian tunes, but
the all-time classic is the music in the hotel lobby. If you are a fan of lounge
lizard music, then get out your headphones. If not, get your earplugs. What is
even worse is when one of the characters actually speaks. The manual brags of
“sampled speech.” I am not quite sure what that actually means, but
when a character speaks to you, nothing moves. The character just blankly stares
at you with unmoving lips while his voice booms from your speakers. It is a very
disconcerting effect that only adds to the eeriness and frustration of the game.
Not to mention how silly it looks when word balloons also appear above the character’s
head.

Am I a masochist? You bet. I mentioned that I have attempted to play
this game over a dozen times. Well, I have also erased it from my hard drive that
many times. Did I mention that this game only plays in DOS and that Windows 95
prefers not to run this game, not even in a DOS window. Oh, and the manual says
that leading sound cards are supported. I think it meant to read “not”
supported. The system requirements state that the game requires a 386DX/486SX
and in parentheses it reads “speed is not critical.” The telling fact,
though, is attempting to find mention of this game anywhere. I have never seen
this game mentioned on any web site, found any walkthrough or spoken to anyone
else who has even heard of it. If I did not own this game, I would not believe
that The Scroll even existed.

Final Grade: F

What’s
up next for the Dungeon of Shame? How about a game that is so bad, that even with
a walkthrough it is unbeatable. Or how about an adventure game about Santa Claus
set on a tropical beach. Or… well, you get the point. We’ll save the name
of this classic for the next column. In the meantime, if you have any games you
would like to nominate, drop me an email and if enough readers designate the same
game, I’ll give it a consideration.

As always, happy gaming.