Every game has at least one redeeming value (well, excluding those
in the Dungeon of Shame). Some have an involving plot worthy of a
best-selling novel; others offer eye candy that lingers in the memory
long after the game has ended. Planet of the Apes has memorable
box art. Oh sure the back of the box is your normal brief synopsis
of the game including a few screenshots and the minimum system requirements,
but the front of the box…

Planet of the Apes is loosely based on the original 1968 release
starring Charlton Heston and not the 2001 Tim Burton remake. The game
has been in development almost as long as the time difference between
the original and the remake (I’m exaggerating just a little here,
it had only been a little over three years in development before Fox
sold the game to Ubisoft) and it shows in the creaky blockiness of
the graphics engine. But one thing adventure gamers are more aware
of than aficionados of other genres is that graphics don’t make the
game. Which is good since POTA crashed to my desktop at least
five times, locked my system three times and occasionally did that
strange thing that some 3D games seem to do when they go haywire and
make your monitor look like a swirling kaleidoscope of color.

The front of the box features large white, block letters that are
outlined with a red tinge. The whiteness of the letters is offset
by the darkness of the box. It seems as if it is proudly proclaiming
– “Look at me for I am the Planet of the Apes!”

You play as Ulysses a shipwrecked astronaut. You soon learn (after
fighting a few dozen rats) that you are on Earth 2,000 years in the
future. A renegade band of humans enlists your aid in their attempts
to overcome the Apes that now dominant society and who would rather
exterminate man than attempt to coexist in peace. Damn dirty apes.
Now correct me if I’m wrong here, but in the original (and the remake)
it wasn’t until the end of the movies that we discovered it was Earth
that the Apes ruled. The humans in the original also no longer had
the power of speech. Yet, this game is based on the original and not
the remake. Huh?

The front of the box features a splendid and unsettling portrait
of Ape General Ursus. The left side of his face is shrouded in darkness
and we see only the dimness of his eye. The right side of his face
is bright and leathery and reflected in the pupil of his eye is a
reflection of the Statue of Liberty.

The game actually features more puzzles than combat, but these are
beginner level puzzles and honestly if they had even an iota of difficulty
the game would not be worth playing at all. For much of the game is
trial and error which means you will die many, many times in numerous
and often unpredictable ways. This could have been the most frustrating
part of the game, but matters are made worse by the programmer’s Einsteinian
decision to not allow the player to save the game. A game can only
be saved by completing a level and to do this you must usually replay
an entire level at least two or three times to get a feel for the
layout, die and restart about a dozen times while mapping the area
in your mind and during this entire process pray that the game doesn’t
crash or lock.

The
keyboard controls are often stiff and unresponsive (though they can
be configured to your liking) but not to worry for the combat sequences
are simplified beyond belief. Hand-to-hand combat with an Ape is as
easy as repeatedly pressing the Action key. Be forewarned though,
don’t attempt anything as fancy as moving your character or changing
your weapon during a fight, for if you do then your attempt at ingenuity
will cause your death. As for the Apes, your grandma could beat them
in combat. In fact, battling the Apes is like fighting your grandma.
And these Apes are supposed to be intelligent? Why I could sneak into
a room of three apes, club the first one to death and the other two
would never hear the ruckus. Yet, kick one mutant rat and if another
rat is in the area it will not hesitate to join the fray. Maybe the
Apes need to clean the wax from their hairy ears? Maybe the sequel
should be Planet of the Rats.

The mutant rats though are in some ways scarier than the Apes. They
don’t so much run, but rather skip towards you as if they are constipated.
I was more afraid of them emptying their bowels upon my character’s
naked foot than I was of being bitten. And if you have rats in a game,
why not put wings on them and have mutant bats? It is no exaggeration
to claim that the first half of POTA has three times as many
bats and rats than it does Apes.

No game nowadays would be complete without a gun or rifle (and we
call the Apes uncivilized) and POTA is no exception. The weapons
in POTA though are useless at close range and can only be used
by zooming in on your target and then firing away. So if you are firing
at an Ape and do not kill it within the first two shots, it is only
a matter of seconds before said Ape has descended upon and proceeded
to beat you to a bloody pulp as you are still in the ‘zoom’ view.
Damn dirty Apes.

The box measures 8″ by 11″ and fits nicely on your bookshelf.
If you shine a flashlight on the picture of General Ursus in a dark
room it would scare the bejeebers out of your little sister.

Planet of the Apes is a long game which makes me wonder why
the programmers decided to artificially pad it’s length by not including
a save feature. It is also in some perverse way fun to play and completing
a level is similar to the feeling of relief one experiences after
pulling an ingrown hair or passing a kidney stone. It must be said
though, that Ubisoft purchased this game from Fox specifically for
future licensing of the Apes franchise and not based on the quality
of this specific product. As for this game, I have secretly discovered
that the original programmers were, unbeknownst to Ubisoft, replaced
by a team of trained simians. Damn dirty Apes.

Final Grade: Planet of the Apes – D.
Final Grade Planet of the Apes box – A+.

System Requirements:

PII 300
Window 98/00
64 MB RAM
Soundcard
16 mg 3D Card
600 MB HD Space
Keyboard