10 Games You Won’t Believe!
I recently
had the opportunity to engage in some web surfing, a leisure activity I don’t
seem to have much time for lately. In hand was a list of over 750 web sites maintained
by smaller publishers. Initially, I was looking for information on any “unknown”
adventure games that might be in production. The search was not entirely futile,
and some hidden gems were discovered. But what I also found, besides the fact
that every company seems to have a new RPG in production that promises to “break
new ground” or a new action/adventure game steeped in Norse mythology, was
that the Internet is truly a strange place.
The following 10 games are real.
I have not changed a word from the website text and have also provided links.
The game’s descriptions speak for themselves. Just Adventure’s thoughts are only
included in bold at the end of each excerpt. One of the games, Alice, is
from a major company. Every one of these games is scheduled for release in the
near future. Now before you begin your journey, a word of caution–as you read
this article: be afraid, be very afraid.
Alice
Electronic Arts
When Alice responds to a mysterious summons to return to Wonderland, the
place is barely recognizable. Something has gone very wrong. Undaunted by the
diseased atmosphere, confusion, and mortal danger that surrounds her, Alice commits
to set it right. Equipped with her courage, a keen appetite for the bizarre, and
a lethal array of transmogrified toys, she’ll penetrate enemy stongholds [sic],
confront the forces of evil, and put the wicked Queen of Hearts in her proper
place.
Next in line for American McGee: Pip. The young lad of
Great Expectations is now a serial killer who commits necrophilia with his victims.
Another adaptation in a series of Electronic Arts versions of Classics Illustrated
for the new American mentality.
Blood
Bath
Underworld Software
Games
for the rest of us. If you like arcade shooting games like Virtua Cop, Area 51
and Time Crisis or Playstation gun games like Crypt Killer, Die Hard Trilogy and
Lethal Enforcers or hunting games like Deer Hunter try a demo of our shooter “Blood
Bath”.
Underworld Software would like to express our sympathies to
the friends, students and family of the victims in the unfortunate incident in
Littleton Colorado caused by the Trenchcoat Mafia. “BloodBath” is just
a game. Take out our frustrations on your computer. Not with real guns!
Blood
Bath At Red Falls is a high-dosage shoot-em-up that pumps fast, fluid, full-screen
video into the heart of your computer. Blood Bath’s interface is classic and pure
shooting gallery. Underworld uses a new video compression scheme that brings smooth
animation to even the slowest computers (even on 486 machines, Blood Bath is full-screen
and full-speed). Blood Bath is never interrupted by stop-gap frames and video
sequence loading typical of games utilizing digitized video. In Blood Bath, the
action is fast and furious like a shoot-out should be.
The plot is good
B-movie fun: the player is a sheriff in the small town of Red Falls. A bloodthirsty
bus-load of hardcore cons have escaped on a nearby highway and they’re coming
to town … and guess who’s the welcoming committee?
Rapid-fire responsiveness
and realistic video are at the heart of Blood Bath’s unique upgrade of the classic
shooting gallery arcade game. But it also has plenty of strong arteries pumping
up the game: hidden levels, power-ups, blood-curdling music and sound effects,
cinematic angles, funny dialogue, and much more.
Hey, I have a fun idea!
Why don’t we put the guys who created this game in a locked room plastered with
pictures of the Columbine victims and play nonstop tape recordings of the police
broadcasts?
Cat
vs. Rat
Underworld Software
Cat
vs Rat brings cartoon violence to a whole new level by allowing players to interact
with cartoons. It’s a new twist on the oldest rivalry in cartoon history. Players
can choose the Cat and finally get that damn rodent or pick the Rat and fight
back against that feline bully. You can battle against a computer opponent, one
of your friends, or look for an opponent on the Internet. Network play for Mac
and PCs will allow up to 4 players to do battle in a variety of cartoon environments.
The
game will feature a ton of weapons: crowbars, sledgehammers, steamrollers, axes,
maces, blow-torches, shotguns, 16-ton weights, and dynamite, for example. We’ll
even throw in the kitchen sink. And don’t forget the devastating death moves like
“Brain Basketball”, “Skinned-alive”, “Liver Rodeo”
and the brutal “Tyson Ear Munch”, to name a few. Stay tuned for more
info including screen-shots and a playable demo.
The staff of Underworld
Software is definitely playing too much pocket pool. Oh no, I think I just gave
them an idea for their next game!
Cow
Hunter
Xicat Interactive
An
entertaining shooting game where you hunt down the elusive bovine menace with
hand gun, rifle, or machine gun. Participate in gripping challenges. Select your
weapon and defend yourself!
Four different shooting events:
1. Target
Practice.
2. Bovine Skeet Range.
3. Championship Cow Tipping.
4. Pop-up
Cow Hunt.
Easy learning curve
Advanced modeling system
Immersive
sounds
Accurately modeled
Exceptional authenticity
Save high scores
to HTML page
… and just when you thought things would be nice and safe
… The herd has its sights on you and it’s stampede time!
It’s about
time someone had the guts to warn the world of the danger of cows!
Frisbee
Golf
Head Games
Experience
one of the fastest growing sports in the nation, Frisbee® Golf. With four
different players, three flying discs and four unique courses, Frisbee® Golf
is a game the entire family will enjoy.
The object of the game is just
like golf. Play under par and become the champion. Wind, trees and diverse terrain
provide challenging obstacles and exhilarating action in Frisbee Golf.
4
Unique Frisbee® Golf Courses
4 Different Players to Choose From
Varying
Levels of Course Difficulty
Stunning Graphics
Digitally Recorded Sounds
Multiple Throwing Discs
Control the Pitch, Angle and Power of the Throw
Easy to Use Interface
Uh…wouldn’t be like, you know, cheaper, to
just like buy a freakin’ Frisbee and go outside and play?
Hot
Chix ‘n Gear Stix: The funkiest, sexiest racer on the web! A sextet of superchicks
and all the hot rubber you can handle!
Thank goodness they used the
word “rubber” in the singular and not the plural!
Sexuality
is a primary theme in RIANA ROUGE. In terms of plot, RR is extremely innovative:
girl meets girl/boy attacks girl/girl kills boy/girl gets girl/girl loses girl.
In terms of attitude, sex is a point of feminine power, pleasure and independent
decision, with positive and negative consequences. Costumes are witty and brief,
and while sexuality is everywhere in the game, it does not overwhelm gameplay
or other themes. The payoff sex scenes, both man/woman and woman/woman, have a
softness and erotic quality that is explicit, but does not involve full nudity
or break the R-rated barrier.
At the same time it good-naturedly mocks
stereotypical macho values, RRI is organized and driven by themes of female empowerment
and integration. In each world RIANA must discover a “piece” of her
nature that will make her first a whole person and eventually an action superhero:
compassion, tolerance, trust, self-esteem and self-control. These themes are handled
lightly and with humor and form the skeleton of the storyline.
What!?
No men/men sex scenes? Well, they just lost my three-dollar bill!
Space
Bastards
Smoking
Gun Productions
What started off as an idea for a modest puzzle
game, developed into an irreverant [sic], impressive and above all successful
product.
Over 100 levels of engaging and truly challenging gameplay make
this title reminiscent of the classic console puzzlers. The levels become fiendishly
clever, but never impossible, inspiring comments of “I’ll just play one more
before I go …”
The game’s warped sense of humour includes celebrity
characters such as Connery, Eastwood and Van Damme, and outrageous dialogue compliments
the lavishly rendered 3d graphics.
Versions of the game are planned for
the Nintendo Colour Gameboy and Sony Playstation
Just another in an endless
line of Nintendo games with the word bastard in the title. Sequels in the works:
Galaxy Bitches and Homeward Ho’s!
THE WAR IN HEAVEN is a 3D action game that combines fast-paced combat action
with uncompromising Christian values. Designed and produced by two professional
game developers who openly acknowledge Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior,
The War In Heaven was created to provide an exciting alternative to the spiritually
dark and blood-drenched games that are so popular today among teenage and adult
gamers.
Personal choice is the defining feature of the game. Set at the
time of Lucifer’s rebellion against God, the player takes the role of an angel
and decides whether to obediently serve the Almighty as one of the Divine Host,
or to join the rebellion and fight in the legions of the Fallen.
Each of
THE WAR IN HEAVEN’s twelve levels incorporates a distinct Biblical lesson relating
to the consequences of following the Divine path of Obedience or the Fallen path
of Knowledge. Important spiritual truths such as Fear Of The Lord and Righteousness
are revealed in between furious battles with the angels of the opposing side.
The game features a state-of-the-art non-Euclidean portal-based engine and fourteen
distinct types of angels, seven Fallen, seven Divine. Divine angels are armed
with five weapons to bear against the Foe, while the Fallen are equipped with
five different weapons with which to wreak havoc upon the forces of Heaven. The
path of Obedience is hard, but true, and while there are rewards to be found upon
the Fallen path of Knowledge, evil ultimately demands its own reward.
Next
up for this company: Sampson and Barney, a 3D fighter, and Jesus and
the 12 Pokemon (gotta catch ’em all), in which the savior must train his Pokemon
to follow the correct path.
Xmas
Carnage
Soft
Enterprises
PANIC! It’s christmas [sic] again. Love, peace
and harmony everywhere. Everybody is happy – but the easter [sic] bunny!
Being envious of Santa getting all the attention he settles to give him and his
followers an explosive and quite nasty christmas present … and YOU ARE THE EASTER
BUNNY!
XMAS CARNAGE has been developed for the “Computer ’94”
trade show in Cologne, Germany. It was never officially published but it is available
for ordering from our website.
I sincerely hope this company is left
little Easter Bunny surprises in their stocking this Christmas, if you know what
I mean!
