Articles

WHAT I HATE ABOUT COMPUTER GAMES

By
Chip Bowdoin
March 24, 2004

Bob: Hi, Gary.

Gary: Hi, Bob.

Bob: I sure do like movies.

Gary: So do I, Bob.

Bob: I hear that movie SPEED is pretty good. I was thinking of maybe
checking it out.

Gary: You should. I saw
it when it first came out and it’s
really good. There’s a runaway bus. Lots of action. I think
you’d like it.

Bob: Okay, so I guess
I’m off to the store to pick up SPEED.
See you lat—

Gary: (chuckles) Hold
on a second there, partner. “The store?” You’re
not really being serious are you?

Bob: Uh, yes I am being
serious. What’s so funny?

Gary: (still
chuckling)
I’m sorry, Bob. It’s just that,
I highly doubt you’ll be able to find SPEED in a store.

Bob: Why not?

Gary: Because it came
out in 1994, for Pete’s sake! That’s
practically the Stone Age. Do you honestly think any store would
be carrying a movie from 10 whole years ago?

Bob: Oh, I see. Well,
then maybe I could order it online—like,
from Amazon maybe.

Gary: Dig your ears out,
man! Didn’t you hear me when I said
the movie was a decade old? You’d have better luck finding
a copy of SPEED in your grandmother’s attic than find any major
retailers carrying it.

Bob: (sighs) I guess I’m
out of luck then.

Gary: Not necessarily. Have you heard of ebay?

Bob: Ebay, the auction
site. Yes, I’ve heard of it.

Gary: Great, then you
should give that a shot. And get your checkbook ready ‘cause this’ll
probably set you back some serious dough.

Bob: Geez, this isn’t sounding too good. I really didn’t
want to spend much more than 20 bucks on this.

Gary: (laughs
again) Well,
I’m sorry to have to break this
to you, friend, but while it’s true that old used copies of
SPEED have been known to show up on Ebay from time to time, they
usually go for about $50 to $100. Actually, I once heard of a new
copy still in its original packaging going for over $200.

Bob: (whistles) That’s all quite a bit more than I was thinking.
Still, I did pretty well this year. Maybe I’ll give it a shot.
I might get lucky and be able to snag a copy for a little less.

Gary: That’s the spirit! You’re
gonna love the movie!

Bob: Okay.

Gary (offhandedly): By
the way, you do have a VCR, don’t you?

Bob: Actually, yes I do.
(pauses) Why? Didn’t SPEED ever come
out on DVD?

(Gary laughs like
a maniac this time)

Bob: You sure laugh an awful lot.

Gary (finally getting
himself under control): I’m sorry, Bob.
It’s just that the very idea of any movie, especially one as
obscure as SPEED starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock, being
reissued to a newer format, is just hysterical. I envy your innocence.
Your naiveté amuses me.

Bob (under
his breath): Apparently.

(Then, turning back
to Gary): They don’t ever reissue old
movies onto newer formats?

Gary: Well, it’s not completely unheard of, but it’s
very rare. For example they did it once with Forrest Gump, but only
because it won the Oscar. And even then, the press run was limited
to only something like 500 copies. You’d have better luck finding
Amelia Earhart having tea with Jimmy Hoffa than getting a hold of
Forrest Gump on DVD.

Bob: Geez….

Gary: Yeah, but actually
it’s no big deal. I heard that the
movie studio didn’t have enough financial and human resources
at the time, so the transfer was never properly done. Every single
one of those discs freezes up when Tom Hanks goes to Vietnam. Everything
after that is inaccessible. The ping pong stuff. Running cross-country
with the Jesus beard. Little Haley Joel. It’s all gone.

Bob: Wow. Didn’t
people complain?

(Gary erupts into
laughter so violent that the laughing soon transforms into a
coughing fit. Bob must give Gary a few hard slaps on the back
before Gary is able to regain his composure.)

Gary: Who would they complain
too? (eyes still streaming with tears) By the time enough consumers
noticed the glitch, there was no one
left still working at Paramount who’d been employed at the
time of the transfer—not even the studio head. And it wouldn’t
have done any good, anyway. Paramount had already used up all their
extra resources distributing the first batch of duds. They couldn’t
afford to make any more, even if there was someone there with the
technical know-how to pull it off, which apparently there never had
been.

Bob: That’s unbelievable.

Gary (finally
under control): It’s moot, anyway. Most people
were too grateful for the opportunity to see any footage of a movie
as old as Forrest Gump to do any complaining.

Bob: Well, I’m glad I’m only looking for SPEED and not
Forrest Gump. I guess I’ll be going now. I’ve got some
web-surfing to do. (Bob starts out the door)

Gary: Go to it, good buddy.
Boy, I really do envy you—to be
able to watch SPEED for the first time. What fun you’ll have.
You’ll be curling up with some popcorn and nice hot cocoa,
and popping your newly-acquired copy of SPEED into your 1994-manufactured
VCR, and you’ll just have the best—

Bob (stopping
short in his tracks): What do you mean my “1994-manufactured
VCR?”

Gary: Bob, you don’t mean to tell me that the VCR you alluded
to earlier wasn’t a 1994 model?

Bob: Of course not. I just bought my VCR a couple years ago. The
VCR I had in 1994 broke down a long time ago.

Gary: And you didn’t
keep it?

Bob: Of course not! I threw it out!

Gary: (sighs) Bob, bob,
bob, bob, bob. Bob. You really did just jump off the turnip truck,
didn’t you? You can do all the ebay-bidding
you want and buy all the old copies of SPEED you come across, but
unfortunately none of that will do you any good if you don’t
have the right equipment to play them on.

Bob (with
dawning horror): You’re actually telling me that
when and if I ever get my hands on a tape of SPEED it won’t
even play in my VCR?

Gary: Or in any VCR manufactured
after 1996, that’s right.
Completely incompatible.

Bob: This is a nightmare.

Gary (shaking
his head): Boy, you really sort of blew it when you threw out that VCR. I
don’t know what you were thinking.

(Bob starts weeping.)

Gary: Oh, hey there little
buckaroo. There, there now. Wipe those tears away. Listen—I happen to still have my old 1994 VCR,
and I’d be happy to lend it to you!

Bob: Really?

Gary: Really. Of course,
it doesn’t actually work anymore.
It’s that darn video head drum, you see. I guess it just ran
its course.

Bob: But, if your old
VCR doesn’t work anymore, how are you
able to watch any of the movies you bought back then?

Gary (cheerfully): I can’t!

(Bob begins to curl
up in a fetal position and suck his thumb.)

Gary: So, my friend. What
you need to do is find someone with the technical know-how to fix
it—some kind of electronics expert/anthropologist
with a working knowledge of ancient technology—and then you’ll
be in business! Assuming, of course, you can first get a hold of
the replacement part, which probably won’t be easy, since nothing
being manufactured today would be compatible with a 1994 VCR. You’ll
just have to track down an old head drum and pray to God it still
works.

Bob (momentarily
taking his thumb out of his mouth): Ebay?

Gary: That’s right, partner. Now you’re
getting the idea!

Bob: Do you think it will be relatively inexpensive?

Gary: Bwahahahaha!