This review is
rated ‘I’ for
Immature. If you are easily offended, then do not read any further.

A
friend of mine – who shall remain nameless for soon to be
obvious reasons – will never read a review of a game until
after he/she has finished said game and written their own review
for publication.
Claims that reading another review beforehand would prejudice his/her
opinion. I’m of the opinion that if you are that easily influenced,
then you shouldn’t be doing analytical writing.

Well, I’m embarrassed to admit that I did my homework on BloodRayne and was suckered in by the rave reviews: A fast and furious action/adventure
that oozes style – GamePro Magazine; Packs an amazing amount
of depth, challenge and excitement – Gamerankings.com; A – Entertainment
Weekly. Nearly every review – all written by males – went
to great lengths to comment on the main character’s ample bosoms
and voluptuous movements.

BloodRayne is
the unoriginal story of a half-human/half-vampire female who has
been bred to
eliminate global threats. Since the story
is conveniently set around the beginning of World War II the enemies
are Nazis who are using an ancient artifact (stolen earlier from
BloodRayne) to create an army of horrific creatures. Hey Nazis, bet
you would never guess them to be the opponent in a game. In fact,
a recent national survey of 1,000 high school students asked, ‘What
is the historical significance of the Nazis” and 93% responded, “Their
wood be know video games without the Nazis.” So you see, our
younger generation can learn from playing video games (Yes, I know
I stole this line from my recent Indiana
Jones and the Emperor’s
Tomb review,
but it was too good to not use again). But my favorite part of this
uninspired plot is that the artifact is actually a relic from – get
this – the lost city of Atlantis! Ha! And you thought Dreamcatcher
owned the copyright on all things Atlantis.

Let me tell you, BloodRayne exemplifies and is representative of everything that is wrong with
this industry. But before we get to
the bad stuff, let’s be fair and mention what is good about
BloodRayne:

• There are some
  sparks of ingenuity including Aura Sense, a vampire enhanced
  vision that allows BloodRayne to sense the aura
  of her enemies.
• The controls
  are responsive and intuitive.
• The graphics
  and animations are smooth and atmospheric.

Surprisingly, Terminal
Reality is a very talented group of developers who can create a
gothic or supernatural atmosphere better than anyone
in the industry. Their previous efforts include one of my all-time
favorite games, Nocturne
(starring The Stranger) and Blair
Witch 1,
a game that could also been a classic had it not relied so much on
mazes.

Are there any puzzles
in BloodRayne? Sure, there is a total of three puzzles and for
all you hardcore action fans who bitch about the
simplest puzzle slowing down a game, well take note, all three puzzles
in BloodRayne are exactly the same: find a battery to activate an
elevator. For those who have become terminally stupid from absorbing
too many first person shooters that have weapons and ammo scattered
everywhere, the missing battery is always in the closest room to
the elevator. No coffee breaks for intelligence in this game. In
fact, here is the entire game in a nutshell: kill lots of zombies
in Louisiana swamp – watch video; kill lots of Nazis – watch
video; kill more Nazis – watch video; kill big mutated thing – watch
video.

Of course, if there is
any one thing any vampire worth her stake needs, it’s an
arsenal of weapons and BloodRayne has thirty-one
from which to choose. As if that weren’t enough, the weapons – handguns,
rifles, machine guns, etc. – are broken into categories such as light
or heavy so that our heroine can only carry a specific number of
weapons at any given time. Seriously now, who gives a shit about
such stupidity? Back in the day, a true gaming geek was someone who
could quote the solution to the babel fish puzzle from Hitchhiker’s
Guide to the Galaxy, but today’s geeks are identified by their
ability to discern the differences between 31 different styles of
guns, the type of ammo in the magazine and its effectiveness in different
situations. What’s wrong with this picture?

BloodRayne is still an
impressionable young bloodsucker so it’s
only natural she have a mentor – Mynce. Now before Mynce is
killed early in the game (ha, spoiled it for you!), she is often
featured in close-ups offering worldly advice on how best to suck
her enemies bone dry. But these close-ups also reveal that Mynce
suffers from a terrible affliction common to most video game females – juggsashakin.
For you see, every time Mynce utters even a single word, her boobs
begin to vehemently bounce as though they’re beating a tune
on a tom-tom. Now I’ve spoken to a few women in my lifetime – even
seen a few naked ones unlike most of today’s game developers
– but I’ve yet to find any whose boobs go spastic just from
the simple act of speaking. Maybe these game developers have discovered
a new breed of woman?

So I decided to conduct the following experiment by summoning my
wife into the room:

“Could you just
stand still and speak to me?”
“ What?”
“
That’s it, now say something else.”
“
Look, I’m really busy. Is this important?”

Alas, my experiment was a failure, she had spoken twice and there
was absolutely no evidence of juggsashakin. Maybe I needed to be
bold and carry my scientific research to a new plateau:

“Could you take
your clothes off and recite Mary Had A Little Lamb while doing
a jumping jack?
“ What?”
“
Here, I’ll help you.”
“ Get away from me you asshole”

Eureka, my experiment was successful for as I ducked her oncoming
blow it was juggsashakin heaven as those bountiful beauties heaved
mightily at my head.

Our final scientific conclusion: big boobs do not a game make, but
big boobs did make this game.

Now, it is important to note that the ESRB has rated BloodRayne ‘M’ for mature. According to the
ESRB the definition of a Mature game is Content may be suitable
for persons ages 17 and older. May contain mature sexual themes or
more
intense violence or language. So I started to wonder, why is this
game rated M? Other games have featured vampires and only been awarded
a Teen rating. Could it be because of all of the guns and violence
in the game? Nah, guns and violence in a video game are as accepted
as a G-rating for a Disney movie.

No instead it is because
the violence and language are carried to a nauseating low. If greedily
sucking blood and decapitations are
not enough to satiate your appetite, then BloodRayne offers Dilated
Perception, an event similar to Max Payne’s Bullet Time. Time
comes to a crawl as amputated limbs spurting blood spin across the
screen. Not violent enough for you? Then transform BloodRayne into
her Blood Rage mode and stand back as the screen tints red and dismemberments
come quicker and more ferocious.

As for the language, hey
I played The
Longest Journey twice, I don’t have virgin ears. But there is a difference
between colorful language being a natural part of your vocabulary
and swearing just for the sake of swearing. Bloodrayne’s vocabulary
occasionally explodes with the word ‘fuck’. Do developers
expect us to believe that uttering fuck is a sign of maturity? And
we know that since this game is rated Mature that not one person
under the age of 17 purchased or rented it. So what point is it that
the industry is trying to convey? That young adults consider juggsashakin,
heightened violence and obscenity a sign of maturity? Fuck. Fuck,
fuck, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Hey, look at me, ain’t I mature?
Fuck, fuck, fuck. Isn’t this the most Mature review you have
ever read?

What grates me the most
though is not the immaturity of the developers because, after all,
they’re just trying to make a buck by appealing
to the lowest common denominator. No, the bigger whores are the professional
reviewers who are more than willing to overlook the gratuitous violence
and rampant sexism that is prevalent in too many of today’s
games as long as they have an enjoyable gaming experience and don’t
have to struggle with the controls. But by doing so, they continue
to perpetuate the stereotype that most gamers are drooling, addle-brained
teenagers content to luxuriate in a sea of sex and violence.

Final Grade: D

A PC demo of BloodRayne is
available here.

System Requirements:

Recommended:

• P4 2.53Ghz
• 512 MB RAM
• 24x CDROM
• GeForce4 TI 4600 Video
  Card
• Sound Blaster Audigy
• 2GB HD Space
• 200MB Virtual Memory