Articles
 by Jeff Strand February 20, 2003 |
The “Some by Jeff Strand |
Yes, I watched the finale
of Joe Millionaire. On purpose. I didn’t give a zork who Evan picked,
but I wanted to see the SHOCKING twist
ending that the show guaranteed I JUST WOULDN’T BELIEVE. As they
stretched 45 seconds of actual content into two hours of programming,
that butler kept reminding us over and over and over that there was
going to be a twist ending. Around the thirty-eighth time he went
on about that stupid twist, I made the comment “This had better
be one good twist ending.” (Oh, sure, for the purposes of this
column I could have made up a much wittier quote for myself, but
we here at Seriously Whacked believe in integrity.)
Then I thought…why? By the time I find out what the twist is,
I’ve already watched the show! Fox has their ratings! The sponsors
have already bought their commercial time! Hell, the big twist could
have been that the butler’s glass of wine was actually Kool-Aid and
there wouldn’t be a darn thing I could do about it. They had nothing
to lose.
I watched it anyway. Now,
I have to admit that I didn’t watch the rest of the series, but
I assumed that there was just no way any
of the women would actually end up with the guy. Although when you
think about it, what was going through Zora’s mind as she angrily
walked through the woods after being told that he was a construction
worker? “Well, let’s see, if this show is a ratings hit he’s
gonna get some endorsement deals…probably some more modeling
work…maybe even his own talk show…plus the producers
keep making comments that I really, really, really should consider
saying ‘yes’ to the guy…must be some sort of twist ending planned…”
In case you haven’t heard,
the big twist was that the producers gave Evan & Zora a check for $1 million dollars. It was pretty
lame, all things considered, although there’ll be a much bigger twist
in store when they go to the bank and realize that they can’t cash
a check that’s simply made out to “Evan & Zora.” It
was particularly disappointing because there were so many excellent
possibilities for a real twist. For example, Zora could have stabbed
him to death.
Wouldn’t it have been
great if Zora had given her exact same speech at the end, but then
right before Evan put the ring on her finger
she shouted “By the way, I lied too, you bastard!!!” and
ran out of the mansion cackling with malicious glee? Or maybe Evan
never told her that he was a $19,000 a year construction worker.
We’d see the producers walking up to him saying “Uh, Evan, you’re
supposed to tell her now,” and he’d say “Tell her what?” and
they’d say “That you’re not a millionaire,” and he’d say “But
I am. I inherited $50 million,” and they’d say “Uh, no,
remember, that was a lie,” and he’d put his hands over his ears
and shout “I can’t hear you! I’m a millionaire! I’m a millionaire!
La la la la la la!!!” That would’ve been cool, too.
But, in the end, it was
a weak twist ending. That’s okay, though. I didn’t deserve a good
ending because, after all, I was spending
precious moments of the gift of life watching something like Joe
Millionaire. [Warning: This column is about to transition
into the actual subject of adventure games, which is what I’m supposed
to
be writing about in the first place.] In an adventure game, though,
you put a lot more work into the experience than just lying on your
couch chuckling over Zora’s comment that Evan’s $50 million inheritance
was a “turn-off.” (Inheritance = bad. Money from producers
for humiliating yourself on highly-rated national television program
= good.) So you deserve a better ending.
The first column I ever wrote for this site argued that Questron had the best ending ever. I still feel that way. Sure, it’s laughable
by today’s standards, but the fact remains that they saved their
neatest technological trick as a reward for those of us who finished
the game. These days, though, adventure games are much more cinematic,
and there’s a tendency to follow a general rule of cinema: Once the
central problem has been solved, end the movie as quickly as possible!
But adventure games aren’t
movies, and players should get a “reward” upon
their successful completion. (Of course, I also feel that I’m owed
a reward for sitting through stuff like Darkness Falls, but we won’t
get into that.) Then again, in games like Sanitarium that have a
really spectacular climax but a quick wrap-up, what are they gonna
do? Show the characters high-fiving each other and going out for
drinks to celebrate their victory?
The solution, I think,
is for every single adventure game to end like The Longest
Journey,
where upon completion of the game you’re
given access to bloopers and other “special features” like
on a DVD. You’d get to hear the voice actors screwing up their lines
(“I can’t do that her…I mean, here.”) and see behind-the-scenes
footage of designers saying “But players LIKE sliding tile puzzles!”
Then you should be able
to play the entire game again with audio commentary by the designers. “In this puzzle, you were originally
supposed to whack the aphid with the ukelele, but in the beta testing
stage we replaced it with a lute. That’s why the lute looks so much
like a ukelele.” And maybe even play some deleted puzzles, perhaps
with optional commentary (“This puzzle was cut from Myst because
it involved pulling too many levers.”).
That’s what adventure games need. DVD special features upon completion.
To do my own part for the cause, I’m going to reveal the ORIGINAL
ending to this column, which was cut due to space constraints and
the presence of a truly obnoxious amount of self-promotion:
It’s time for the official
Mandibles “Defeat the Ants!!!” contest,
where you could win a $25 gift certificate to the online bookseller
of your choice (but, hey, if somebody from Just Adventure wins, I’ll
cheerfully make it the online adventure game retailer of your choice!).
It’s sort of like an adventure game in e-mail format! For more information,
visit http://www.jeffstrand.com, or if you trust me and just wanna
enter without knowing what you’re getting into, send a blank e-mail
to [email protected].
Remember to read my column next time for a TRULY SHOCKING twist
ending that you SIMPLY WILL NOT BELIEVE!!!
