Articles
 by Jeff Strand November 8, 2002 |
The
Seriously Whacked Point of View “Adventure by Jeff Strand |
Ahhhh…those of us who
live in America can now breathe a sigh of relief. It is now possible
to enjoy our favorite television programs without having to watch
all of those comical-yet-annoying negative political campaign ads.
I live in Florida, “The State That Is Its Own Punchline,”
so my choices for governor were Jeb Bush or Bill McBride. It was a
tough choice, because if you watched the ads, they’re clearly both
Satan’s understudy.
It was hard to decide which
candidate to dislike more. Overall, I think Bush’s commercials were
more blatantly deceptive (they were loaded with fine print like a
used car ad), while McBride’s commercials were quite a bit whinier
(“I’m not going to raise taxes, and he knows it!”). In the
end, Bush won, and now, as usual, candidates across the nation are
graciously saying that it’s time to join together and put aside our
differences.
What I’d like to see are
Hit Them While They’re Down ads. “See, we TOLD you that Bill
McBride was a loser! Hey, McBride, what’d you do with all those victory
party balloons, huh? Hee hee hee hee hee! Nobody likes you, everybody
hates you, better go eat worms! Nyahh nyahh!”
It seems to me that adventure
game companies could learn from these smear campaigns in their own
marketing. For example, Tony Tough and the Night of Roasted Moths
has just been released, but the advertising exclusively concentrates
on trying to tell players that Tony Tough is a pretty good game. The
Cameron Files II: Pharaoh’s Curse has also just been released,
but nowhere in the Tony Tough marketing is there anything
saying that Pharaoh’s Curse sucks. What’s up with that? They
should be writing ads like this:
“Appalling graphics.
Pre-school storytelling. Unintuitive interface. Pharaoh’s Curse
wants you to think it’s the best game of the year, but it’s FLAT OUT
WRONG. Buy Tony Tough today!”
Now, that in itself would
be a remarkably lame advertising campaign. For this to be truly effective,
the Pharaoh’s Curse people would have to send out their own
ads:
“Uncreative game designers.
Drunken programmers. Illiterate manual writers. Do you really want
to spend your hard-earned money on Tony Tough? Buy Pharaoh’s
Curse today!”
The next round of ads would
require a black background and somber .wav files, accompanied by grainy,
twitchy, black-and-white screen shots of Pharaoh’s Curse
and a grim narrator. “Pharaoh’s Curse. They say it’s
fun. They’d probably also say that boredom is fun. And carpal tunnel
is fun. And accidentally cutting yourself on the edge of the CD is
fun. But are these things fun to YOU?” Suddenly they’d cut to
cheerful background music and full color. “Have fun! Play Tony
Tough!”
“Eight out of ten
gamers say they’d rather have their eyebrows filed off with a rusty
saw blade than endure Tony Tough. And you’ve seen the kind
of crap those other two post in newsgroups. Pharaoh’s Curse,
the only choice.”
“Every copy of Pharaoh’s
Curse comes equipped with the BloodyDeathGoreSplatter virus.
But they won’t tell you that, because they WANT the BloodyDeathGoreSplatter
virus to harm your computer. Say “No way!” to the BloodyDeathGoreSplatter
virus. Buy Tony Tough.”
One of my favorite parts
of any political smear campaign are the ads where the candidates conveniently
forget about their own mudslinging commercials and speak sincerely
into the camera to pretend that they’re deeply wounded by the cruel
remarks of their opponent. So the game designers would have to record
some appropriate MPEGs:
“I’m sure a lot of
you have seen negative, hurtful ads claiming that Pharaoh’s Curse
has a virus. [Deep, thoughtful sigh.] Pharaoh’s Curse
doesn’t have a virus and they know it. They’re just trying to hurt
us and our children. [The game designer hugs his children, the
youngest of whom is holding a kitten.] Don’t let them do this.
Buy Pharaoh’s Curse. Do it for your country of origin.”
What might be even more
fun is a good old-fashioned debate. Get the Tony Tough and
the Pharaoh’s Curse people together in a room and let ’em
fight it out!
MODERATOR:
So I guess we’ll open this debate with–
TONY TOUGH:
Ah, moderate this, you hoser. Hey, Pharaoh’s Curse…you stink!
PHAROAH’S CURSE:
Yeah, well, bite me, you bug-laden goober! Maybe they should issue
a patch to correct your ugly face!
TONY TOUGH:
Your mother was a sliding tile puzzle!
PHAROAH’S CURSE:
Your father has a limited number of save game slots!
TONY TOUGH:
That does it!
PHAROAH’S CURSE:
Indeed it does!
[Chaos and violence ensue.]
See how much more entertaining
adventure gaming would be if the marketing department didn’t dwell
on the positive? Why should politicians have all the fun?
Jeff Strand’s novel GRAVEROBBERS WANTED (NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY)
is total garbage. So is his incompetently written HOW TO RESCUE A
DEAD PRINCESS and his barely readable ELROD McBUGLE ON THE LOOSE.
Buy MANDIBLES…it’s the right choice! Visit http://www.jeffstrand.com…it’s
your patriotic duty.
