Articles
 by Jeff Strand June 28, 2002 |
The
Seriously Whacked Point of View “The by Jeff Strand |
Hey, kids, it’s time to
play the Seriously Whacked adventure game! Just read the story below
and pick your path to excitement!!!
You are Thud the Untanned, the mightiest warrior in the Generic Fantasy
Land. But alas, all is not well in the G.F.L., for the evil warlock
Deathbloodslime has found the dreaded Amulet of Tar, which will give
him the power to destroy quite a few people. King Uvula has sent you
on a quest…to retrieve the amulet before it’s too late!!!
First, you must pick your
follower. Snorky the Wizard is kind of a wuss, but he has magical
abilities. Esmerelda the Notary has no magical abilities, but she’s
cuter than Snorky.
Click
here to choose Snorky the Wizard.
Click
here to choose Esmerelda the Notary.
“No
%$@#& way!!!” says the person you chose. “I’m not going
up against the evil warlock Deathbloodslime! You can tell the king
that he can just kiss my unprotected butt!”
And so, Thud, you begin
your quest alone, which sort of bites. You leave the castle and wander
for many moons, until you come to a fork in the road. A sign informs
you that you must choose…do you take the path to the left, or the
path to the right???
Click
here to choose the path to the right.
Click
here to choose the path to the left.
You start
to walk in that direction, but, not being the sharpest toe on the
foot, you accidentally walk into the sign. It hurts.
“Boy, do I feel like
a geek,” you think, rubbing the imprint of the sign off your
face. “I hope nobody saw that, lest I appear foolish in their
eyes.”
“Haw, haw, haw!!!”
says an elf that you didn’t notice before, because as has already
been fairly well established, you’re not very bright. “I can’t
believe the king sent YOU to save us all! Maybe if you bought my magic
powder, you’d stand a better chance of completing your quest.”
Click
here to purchase magic powder from the elf.
Click
here to beat the crap out of the elf and steal his magic powder.
You continue on your quest,
walking for many more moons. You’re tired and hungry. Your bunion
itches. Your left eyebrow fell off two moons ago. To distract yourself
from your misery, you think about the true meaning of life.
The troll
bludgeons you with his weedwhacker, knocking you off the cliff and
into the dreaded Pond of Ferociousness. You find yourself sinking…sinking…sinking…
Click
here to say “Hold on, wasn’t I supposed to link to something
about the true meaning of life?”
Click
here because clicking is FUN!!!
Click
here to finish the game.
Click
here to terminate the game.
Click
here to asphyxiate the game.
Congratulations,
Thud! You’ve defeated the warlock, saved the kingdom, and found true
love! Your score is 1000 points out of a possible 1000, in 2 hours
and 57 minutes.
– The End –
Click
here for a shameless promo for the game designer’s personal website.
Jeff Strand
is the author of several novels that you probably haven’t read. His
turn-ons include walks along newly-paved beaches, yogurt, and things
that he can push with his chin. His turn-offs include spores, the
unconstitutional and borderline satantic Pledge of Allegiance, and
people who throw Raisinets at people without permission.
You can visit his Seriously
Whacked website at http://www.jeffstrand.com/.
Click
here as many times as you want…you’re not going anywhere.
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