Articles
 by Jeff Strand April 5, 2002 |
The
Seriously Whacked Point of View “Cheapass by Jeff Strand |
As much as I love computer
games, sometimes I just need to play against a human opponent. Sure,
I can do that on the Internet, but beating a faceless competitor named
“BritneyRULEZ” doesn’t bring quite as much joy as sitting
in the same room as a real, live person, spilling potato chips and
Jolt Cola as I shout “Your battleship is SUNK, dude!!!”
followed by a lengthy but comical victory dance.
This need was fulfilled
recently at the EPIC writer’s conference in Seattle. My novel, Single
White Psychopath Seeks Same, was a finalist for Best Thriller,
but the shamelessly biased judges obviously used “quality”
as their determining factor, and thus I failed to win. After the awards
ceremony, I decided to spend the rest of the evening shambling around
the hotel, purposely walking into things, until I was invited to join
a guy named Dave Howell and a few others at a table to play some games.
It’s probably not necessary
to mention that the previous evening, at the open mike event, Dave
had performed an erotically charged rendition of “Rubber Ducky”
that had the entire audience frantically phoning room service to beg
for squeak toys. It’s even less necessary to discuss my participation
in the encore, although frightening photographic evidence exists on
the Internet, if you’re brave enough to look for it. That’s not important.
What’s important is that we sat down and played Kill Doctor Lucky.
Kill Doctor Lucky
can best be described as “Pre-Clue.” The concept
is that Clue begins after the fun is already over. In this
game, your goal is to, yes, kill Doctor Lucky. (Note: If you’re offended
by this concept, it’s safe to say that you will continue to be offended
throughout the duration of this column. Alternate reading material
is probably in order.) So, as Doctor Lucky moves around the mansion
from room to room, you must arrange it so that you’re in the same
room as him…without witnesses. You see, each of the rooms has various
“lines of sight,” and a player three rooms away might still
be able to see your nefarious intentions.
Once you’re completely
alone with Doctor Lucky, it’s time to go for the kill. Sure, you can
use a revolver, if you’ve got the right card, but you can also use
such things as a civil war cannon, a tight hat, or, if you’re weaponless,
a good old fashioned poke in the eye. Meanwhile, the other players
use their “Failure” cards to stop your wicked deed…the
more powerful the weapon, the more failure cards that are required,
and some weapons work especially well in certain rooms.
In the end, I did not kill
Doctor Lucky, despite poke in the eye after poke in the eye after
poke in the eye, which made for two devastating losses in the same
night. But I had a great time trying.
Kill Doctor Lucky
is the best selling board game produced by Cheapass Games, which can
be found on the web at http://www.cheapass.com,
or, if you’re feeling especially wordy, http://www.cheapassgames.com.
They produce gobs of demented games (card games, board games, and
yes, even a couple of computer games) that are ridiculously inexpensive.
Kill Doctor Lucky is a mere $7.50 plus postage, less than the
price of augmentation mammoplasty.
Why so cheap? Cheapass
Games, ruled by James Ernest, works under the impression that you’ve
ALREADY got all the pawns, dice, play money, Q-Tips, etc. you need.
You’ve probably got Candyland pieces stuck under your sofa
cushions. Here, you only get the items unique to that particular game:
the board, the cards, and the rules. Let’s face it, Scattergories
is an absolute blast to play, but do you REALLY need them to sell
you the pencils, notepads, notepad folders, timer, and the fancy board
with no other purpose than to give you a place to roll the die? Or
could you get along just as well if they only sold you the category
cards and the alphabet die? (In theory, you could write letters of
the alphabet on slips of paper and pick them at random, but let’s
not be Scrooge here.)
Cheapass Games are the
evil opposite of, say, the multitude of Limited Edition Collector’s
Item Monopoly Sets (Monopoly: Star Wars Edition, Monopoly:
NASCAR edition, Monopoly: Gomer Pyle Edition) that I’m pretty
sure you’re not even supposed to OPEN or the Collector Patrol will
burst into your house and beat you to death with their mint-in-the-box
limited edition #378,362 out of only 15,000,000 produced Powerpuff
Girls figurines.
Another noteworthy Cheapass
Games title is Unexploded Cow. This card game involves Mad
Cow Disease in England and unexploded bombs in France…two serious
problems with a common solution.
They’ve also got The
Great Brain Robbery, Captain Park’s Imaginary Polar Expedition, Bitin’
Off Hedz, Devil Bunny Needs a Ham, Devil Bunny Hates the Earth, Give
Me the Brain!, Lord of the Fries, and FALLING, a fast-paced
card game where the object is to hit the ground last. I could also
mention that not ALL of their games are utterly twisted, but that’s
not what I’m about. And, as I said, they have a couple of computer
games: Strange Adventures in Infinite Space and Plasmaworm.
So there you go. If you
feel like temporarily abandoning your mouse and Internet connection
for a deck of cards and a few of your most peculiar friends, then
Cheapass Games should provide plenty of fodder for a sick and fun-filled
evening. C’mon…cows! Blowing up! For cheap! If there’s a finer value
for your entertainment dollar, then I don’t know what it is.
Jeff Strand is the author
of How to Rescue a Dead Princess, which last year also failed to win
an EPPIE Award, dammit. However, his comedy for kids (and adults who
were warped as kids), Elrod McBugle on the Loose DID win an EPPIE,
which is a really snazzy-looking award with a pointy tip suitable
for poking law enforcement officials and evil clowns. You can visit
his Seriously Whacked website at http://www.jeffstrand.com/.
