A Tech Support Primer

By Joshua Bentley
January 31, 1999

The following was first published in The Talemonger’s Emporium and
is used with permission from the author.

What is Technical Support Really Like?

Technical Support is a myriad of people, colors, beliefs, tastes and
smells. It is a nice analogy to America in many ways. Many people don’t
understand how truly great and sometimes awful it is to work there. I
have been put on earth by God to enlighten you to the truths of Technical
Support. I spent nearly four years working in Sierra On-line’s support
department. As you can well imagine, I have a unique view of technical
support in general, and of gaming support and customers.

(Customer): “Is this a real person?”
(Representative): “Please press 1 if you think this is a real person.
Please scream obscenities into the phone if you think it is not.”

Let me tell you, the temptation to use this line is overwhelming. In
an average day at Sierra Tech Support, the phone rings–a lot! Sierra
keeps a staff of approximately 70 people in their Technical Support department
at any given time and it continues to grow. I would be willing to bet
that every phone rep hears the “are you real” question at least
once a day. I’d like to dispel any myths right here and now–yes, there
are actually people on the other end of the phone, not just robots.
“Oh, my gosh! You mean, real human beings who’ve been trained and
everything?!?” Yeah! Believe it or not, the people you talk to in
Technical Support are real, live human beings with pulses and hearts and
everything.

Actually, that’s a pretty broad statement. I don’t know that all of them
have pulses.

Okay, okay, I’m kidding. Those folks just look like the undead.
There seems to be a conception of most technical support people that they
aren’t very bright, wear lots of dark clothes, only come out at night
and require regular feedings of blood. It isn’t an accurate conception
by any standard. Technical Support people, are for the most part, really
nice, honest people. I’ll say this now and probably regret it later. But
Technical Support people are weird. Doesn’t matter what company they work
for or how old they are, they’re weird. If you work in technical support
and disagree with this statement, just examine what you do for a living
and what some of your hobbies are. Have I met some normal-esque people
in my career as a Tech Support person? Okay, sure. But put them in just
the right circumstance and they’ll turn plenty weird on you. With me,
every circumstance happens to be the right one. In all honesty, there
isn’t a finer bunch of people anywhere on earth. That weird exterior is
simply the frosting on a very, very fine cake. These people would sooner
help you than anything else.

Talking on the phone all day–wow, what a tough job!

What possesses people to want to talk on the phone to complete strangers
and try to fix their problems? Forgive the analogy but it’s like doing
counseling over the phone. “Call now, our trained psychiatric counselors
are standing by. Call within the next five minutes and you’ll receive
the latest self-help book entitled ‘Get Over Yourself.'” That may
be a bit extreme, but in all honesty, there are several functions that
technical support people serve beyond just being there to fix whatever
happens to your software. You may have to get through a menu and possibly
some nice hold music, but we are waiting on the other side.

In the industry there is a thing we call Robo-Tech. He (or she) is that
voice you hear when the phone is first answered at your favorite software
company. The nice voice gives you a lengthy choice of menus to choose
from to get you where you want to go. Sometimes the path in convoluted
and sometimes it’s incredibly simple. Once someone finally gets to a technician,
they can, understandably, be a little frazzled. We in the tech support
business totally understand that and try to compensate it with being incredibly
helpful and friendly. This is to prevent you from threatening our life,
or crying, or having some other kind of emotional breakdown. You see,
Technical Support reps are rarely, ever, just phone workers. We are specialists
in our particular field. If you call for support on a game, the person
who answers the phone is going to be an expert in that form of support.
If you call a hardware company, the person on the other line isn’t going
to be working there unless they’re incredibly familiar with the products.
So, most of us who pick up that phone are professionals. Not only that,
but we’re also counselors, teachers, listeners, corrections officers,
friends, and on a rare occasion disciplinarians.

Counselors

We hear every sad story, frustration, and abusive word you can think
of. It is not in the job description to solve life’s problems, but by
fixing your immediate problem when you call and by offering a nice person
to talk to, we can sometimes turn your day around. It is a indescribable
joy to hang up with a satisfied customer at the end of the call. There
are no words that can adequately describe the feeling of solving a very
difficult problem for a customer who was very frustrating but is now proposing
to you.

It is a terrible nightmare to have to listen to how much our company
stinks, how we don’t know anything, how our mothers did all kinds of nasty
things, and that we are responsible for everything including politics,
soggy fruit, mold, and global warming. In this line of work the representatives
try to maintain a steady, even tone. It is sometimes hard to maintain
this under these circumstances. Not surprisingly most technical support
people usually have ulcers, develop ulcers, or purchase punching bags
for their cubes. What can you do when nothing you offer satisfies someone,
except go outside for a smoke–even if you don’t–and hit something?

Teachers

The most common call is the new computer user who just bought their great
Packard Bell and decided to get a new game as their first computer-related
purchase. One word for you here: Don’t. Don’t ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever do this.
Save yourself and the poor phone technician the headache. If you are thinking
about buying a computer for the first time, for crying out loud, please
learn something about computers first. Here’s my next statement–a
computer is not a Nintendo, Playstation or any other console machine.
That’s it. If you keep these two things in mind you will be better
off than 50 percent of new computer consumers. If you keep these
simple things in mind you will avoid the following situation–

(Rep): Customer service, how may I help you?
(Customer): I just bought my computer and I’m having trouble using it.
(Rep): Is the computer out of the box and turned on, ma’am?
(Customer): Oh yeah! I got it out of the box and plugged in no problem.
Turned it on and came up with that pretty Windows picture.
(Rep): Then what seems to be the problem?
(Customer): Well, this footpedal it came with isn’t doing anything.
I been mashing on it with my feet since I got it turned on and nothing’s
happening.
(Rep): Foot … footpedal?
(Customer): Sure! It’s got a long cord that connects to the back of
the computer, and two things on the front that look like buttons.
(Rep, trying to stifle a chuckle but obviously smiling): Ma’am, that’s
called the mouse. You use it to move the arrow around on the screen
and open programs. Sorry for the confusion.
(Customer, genuinely surprised): Oh, it that what this thing’s for?
Well, thank you, sir. I appreciate the help. Have a good day.

Seem a little far-fetched? Indeed it does, but without knowing anything
about computers or technology, new things can sometimes be mistaken for
old standbys. Please, good people, remember my words and learn a little
something about computers before purchasing them. The rewards will be
great.

Listeners

Sometimes people aren’t angry with you. They’re going through some tough
times, their computer is on the fritz, their relationship with the significant
other isn’t doing too well, and the game they use to unwind and escape
everything just blew up in their face. It’s totally understandable that
someone would be a little on edge. In those situations it’s best for the
rep to just shut up and let the customer vent a bit before proceeding.
I suppose I should clear up the difference between a frustrated customer
and being an “irate.” Irate customers are rarely reasonably
angry. Some are, but most aren’t. They just think that by being angry
they’ll get special treatment. An example of a frustrated customer goes
something like this–“I’ve been waiting on hold for 10 minutes, this
is the third time I’ve called and my program still isn’t working.”
I can understand being frustrated in this situation. Anyone would be.
The irate call goes more like this. “Listen you bleeping son-of-a-bleep,
I’ve waited on this bleeping phone for thirty minutes and I want this
bleeping game to work. You’re not getting off this bleeping phone until
you fix it.” The thing these people need is a little bit of context.
First of all, hey, it’s a game, right? Life isn’t going to stop because
it isn’t working. Second, the hold times are rarely half an hour
for a game. And finally, the tech is a person and no one deserves to be
treated that way.

Anyway, on to the joys of listening. The difference in someone’s voice
before venting and after having their temporary issue is incredible. It’s
quite a satisfying feeling to have contributed to the well-being of someone’s
day. Like helping someone genuinely in need.

Corrections Officers

There are the rare and incredibly fun times of getting a kid on the phone
who thinks he’s just become James Bond. He made an illegal copy of his
friend’s Leisure Suit Larry 4 (editor’s note: no, it doesn’t really
exist). That funky music is playing in his head while he’s punching the
number for Technical Support. He thinks he’s gotten away with something
until the person on the other end of the phone asks for–the Serial Number.
Noooooooooooooooooooooooo! His plans have been foiled. It’s time
to let the call go. “I’m sorry, you have an illegal copy of this
software there is nothing more I can do for you.” And the phone goes
down.

Friends

Then we have the people who can’t possibly be paying for long distance.
Either that or they’re Technical Support junkies. They just keep calling,
and calling, and calling, and calling. Even when they have their answer
and the problem is solved, they persist in calling and asking the same
questions. This is when we become friends and sometimes have to practice
“tough love.”

“Yes Mr. Jones, the problem is fixed, please go back to your
wife. She called yesterday looking for you and I assured her that I would
relay the message when I next heard from you.”

Disciplinarians

Even rarer than Gummi werewolves are the calls in which we have to take
control. In my four years on the phones I have only had to threaten action
maybe 10 times or less. The action I’m talking about is ending the call
immediately. The most common is “Sir or madam, if you do not stop
swearing at me, I’m going to have end this call.” Sometimes they
take you seriously and sometimes they don’t. That’s unfortunate since
they just paid for the call.

* * * * *

All in all, Technical Support is a wonderful place to work but can but
can be a terrifying experience for those who aren’t ready for it. I am
proud to have worked with such fine people and have had such fantastic
training. I have learned how to deal with angry people, how to get along
better with people of every class, belief system, and temperament. I have
received some of the finest training I could have ever asked for, and
some rather hilarious stories.

Until I write again, stay safe.