Every game has at least one redeeming value (well, excluding those in the Dungeon of Shame). Some have an involving plot worthy of a best-selling novel; others offer eye candy that lingers in the memory long after the game has ended. Planet of the Apes has memorable box art. Oh sure the back of the box is your normal brief synopsis of the game including a few screenshots and the minimum system requirements, but the front of the box…

Planet of the Apes is loosely based on the original 1968 release starring Charlton Heston and not the 2001 Tim Burton remake. The game has been in development almost as long as the time difference between the original and the remake (I'm exaggerating just a little here, it had only been a little over three years in development before Fox sold the game to Ubisoft) and it shows in the creaky blockiness of the graphics engine. But one thing adventure gamers are more aware of than aficionados of other genres is that graphics don't make the game. Which is good since POTA crashed to my desktop at least five times, locked my system three times and occasionally did that strange thing that some 3D games seem to do when they go haywire and make your monitor look like a swirling kaleidoscope of color.

The front of the box features large white, block letters that are outlined with a red tinge. The whiteness of the letters is offset by the darkness of the box. It seems as if it is proudly proclaiming - "Look at me for I am the Planet of the Apes!"

You play as Ulysses a shipwrecked astronaut. You soon learn (after fighting a few dozen rats) that you are on Earth 2,000 years in the future. A renegade band of humans enlists your aid in their attempts to overcome the Apes that now dominant society and who would rather exterminate man than attempt to coexist in peace. Damn dirty apes. Now correct me if I'm wrong here, but in the original (and the remake) it wasn't until the end of the movies that we discovered it was Earth that the Apes ruled. The humans in the original also no longer had the power of speech. Yet, this game is based on the original and not the remake. Huh?

The front of the box features a splendid and unsettling portrait of Ape General Ursus. The left side of his face is shrouded in darkness and we see only the dimness of his eye. The right side of his face is bright and leathery and reflected in the pupil of his eye is a reflection of the Statue of Liberty.

The game actually features more puzzles than combat, but these are beginner level puzzles and honestly if they had even an iota of difficulty the game would not be worth playing at all. For much of the game is trial and error which means you will die many, many times in numerous and often unpredictable ways. This could have been the most frustrating part of the game, but matters are made worse by the programmer's Einsteinian decision to not allow the player to save the game. A game can only be saved by completing a level and to do this you must usually replay an entire level at least two or three times to get a feel for the layout, die and restart about a dozen times while mapping the area in your mind and during this entire process pray that the game doesn't crash or lock.

The keyboard controls are often stiff and unresponsive (though they can be configured to your liking) but not to worry for the combat sequences are simplified beyond belief. Hand-to-hand combat with an Ape is as easy as repeatedly pressing the Action key. Be forewarned though, don't attempt anything as fancy as moving your character or changing your weapon during a fight, for if you do then your attempt at ingenuity will cause your death. As for the Apes, your grandma could beat them in combat. In fact, battling the Apes is like fighting your grandma. And these Apes are supposed to be intelligent? Why I could sneak into a room of three apes, club the first one to death and the other two would never hear the ruckus. Yet, kick one mutant rat and if another rat is in the area it will not hesitate to join the fray. Maybe the Apes need to clean the wax from their hairy ears? Maybe the sequel should be Planet of the Rats.

The mutant rats though are in some ways scarier than the Apes. They don't so much run, but rather skip towards you as if they are constipated. I was more afraid of them emptying their bowels upon my character's naked foot than I was of being bitten. And if you have rats in a game, why not put wings on them and have mutant bats? It is no exaggeration to claim that the first half of POTA has three times as many bats and rats than it does Apes.

No game nowadays would be complete without a gun or rifle (and we call the Apes uncivilized) and POTA is no exception. The weapons in POTA though are useless at close range and can only be used by zooming in on your target and then firing away. So if you are firing at an Ape and do not kill it within the first two shots, it is only a matter of seconds before said Ape has descended upon and proceeded to beat you to a bloody pulp as you are still in the 'zoom' view. Damn dirty Apes.

The box measures 8" by 11" and fits nicely on your bookshelf. If you shine a flashlight on the picture of General Ursus in a dark room it would scare the bejeebers out of your little sister.

Planet of the Apes is a long game which makes me wonder why the programmers decided to artificially pad it's length by not including a save feature. It is also in some perverse way fun to play and completing a level is similar to the feeling of relief one experiences after pulling an ingrown hair or passing a kidney stone. It must be said though, that Ubisoft purchased this game from Fox specifically for future licensing of the Apes franchise and not based on the quality of this specific product. As for this game, I have secretly discovered that the original programmers were, unbeknownst to Ubisoft, replaced by a team of trained simians. Damn dirty Apes.

Final Grade: Planet of the Apes - D.
Final Grade Planet of the Apes box - A+.

System Requirements:

PII 300
Window 98/00
64 MB RAM
Soundcard
16 mg 3D Card
600 MB HD Space
Keyboard