Review Lula 3D Developer: CDV Publisher: CDV Genre: Adventure Release Date: 2006 Platform: Review by Randy Sluganski November 28, 2006		Buy this game at Trade for this game at:

Lula 3D can only be purchased in North America via a digital download, but we do have the boxed, unrated DVD European version on sale in the JA Online Store.

How can you not love a game that proudly proclaims on its box front that it features ‘Bouncin’ Boobs Technology’?  Created by natural animation using motion capture - wouldn’t you like to be a fly on the wall at that motion capture session, “Okay honey, now bounce one to the left and the other to the right.” – ‘Bouncin’ Boobs Technology’ is, well, boobalicious.

As it better be for Lula is a curvaceous, scantily clothed producer of erotic movies.  The stars of her newest film – known only as the Triplets – have been kidnapped and the stage is now set for Lula, her droopy dog Dusty and eventually new-found & equally busty friend Gina to travel cross-country ala Thelma & Louise (& Lassie) – now that’s a ménage à troi - and rescue the Triplets.

We’ll visit Mt. Rushmore, Las Vegas, San Francisco and more than a few erotic clubs and movie sets.  But its not all sex, fun and games as, believe it or not, Lula 3D is a hardcore, point-and-click adventure game with numerous puzzles to solve and dozens of inventory items which are conveniently stored in Lula’s oversized brazier (hey, its no more ludicrous than characters like Monkey Island’s Guybrush storing inventory items down his pants).

What I admire most about Lula 3D though is that it offers no excuses nor makes no qualms about what it is, unlike games like Grand Theft Auto and it’s hidden ‘Hot Coffee’ extras and developers and publishers that attempt to flimflam the media and general public with their lame, “This game is all about moral choices” bullshit.  Nope, Lula 3D is about a woman with big breasts who enjoys the occasional roll in the hay (well, okay, much more than occasional) and who can, when the need arises, hold her own against the evil males of the world and if the purpose of a game is to have fun, then Lula 3D gets a big, er, thumbs up!

Unlike most games in which scantily clad, unbelievably top-heavy women - who could only have been created by testerone-challenged developers who seem to be competing as to who can create the woman with the most outlandish breasts without tipping over - flit about in clothing that could never exist in the real world (see Bloodrayne, for one example), Lula’s wardrobe – though not recommended for everyday wear – is more high-price hooker.  Not that I’m defending her attire, mind you, but it just wouldn’t fit the game’s atmosphere if Lula was parading about in dress clothes rather than lingerie.

The graphics are, as the more astute among you may have guessed from the title, 3D and the characters are controlled via a combination of mouse and keyboard.  But enough about such mundane details, let’s get to the nuts and bolts of what’s good and first, what’s bad about Lula 3D (and when Lula’s bad, she’s really bad!).

As with most 3D games, there are some horrible technical glitches, nothing as awful as has been present in some games where arms come through walls – and I shudder to think what body parts might poke through the walls in this game - but enough to cause slow-down, jagged trees and some draw distance problems that allow characters to appear miraculously.  Lula herself often walks slower than a baby with a full diaper, which is understandable considering her spiked heels, but it does become tedious being forced to have her run to every location.  Load times for saved games and even just starting the game are abysmal but if there is one huge drawback to Lula 3D, it is the most god-awful, horrendous action sequences ever, ever, for all infinity.  I could complain for another page or two in detail as to the awfulness of these sequences but take my word for it and use a save game (which there is a link for below) to bypass these sequences that belong in Dante’s ninth circle of hell.

The action sequences usually involve Lula in a shoot-out with either the police or mobsters.  Rapid fire, which is necessary, is impossible as every shot of the gun jerks it helter skelter. The game ending shoot-out is so impossible that I have yet to beat it, even after more than 100 futile attempts.  On the positive side, there is one action sequence that involves catapulting your dog at Mt. Rushmore that is only slightly less than impossible as it took only about 50 attempts to complete.

I know this sounds strange considering the subject matter of the game, but it also bothered me somewhat when Lula suddenly joined forces with ‘gangster’ Gina.  Up to that point Lula was actually a somewhat likeable character and though she was a ‘bad girl’, I didn’t think of her as a bad person.  I’m not asking that she live her life as Mother Theresa, but it was almost as though the developers expect the player to make a direct correlation between porno and crime or porno and poor moral choices.

Luckily though, there is much to recommend Lula 3D.  The game has a wonderful sense of humor and often plays against the dumb blond stereotype as Lula will suddenly wax poetic on the history of tomatoes or a similar obscure subject.  For those of a more literary bent, there are some wonderful, subtle homages to Marilyn Monroe and Andy Warhol.  And don’t dare let Lula stand in place for too long for she will then complain, “I might be wrong, but I think someone is staring at my rear end.”  The dialogue is at times purposely inane, but it also often contains clues to solve puzzles – which comprise a goodly portion of the game.  My favorite though is Lula’s solution to obtain an inventory item she needs from a man.  We’ve been in this situation in many an adventure game, how to distract the hotel clerk’s attention or trick someone into leaving a room.  To solve one such puzzle, Lula doesn’t bother with such time-consuming options, instead she simply flashes her breasts to get what she wants.  Simple, effective and funny.  I can’t remember the last time I played a game with so many puzzles and while a few are of the obtuse variety, the majority require only some common sense and careful listening and exploring.

If you are wondering, exactly how erotic the sex scenes are, well, picture if you will your mother and father in the process of creating that special little you.  Makes your mind twitch doesn’t it?  And that is about the same effect such scenes in this game had on me.  In one memorable instance, there is actually a scene of fornication that if you look closely, you will notice that the male member of the team seems to have no, well, male member.  Some of these scenes are not optional and must be viewed and some can only be seen by peeking through windows.  What are optional though, and which I did find somewhat distasteful, is the player’s ability to have Lula personally gratify herself.  Still, if you are the shy, reticent type (or under the age of 18) then Lula 3D is not the game for you.

Now I’m sure some of you snooty, holier-than-thou, Lucas-Arts worshipping adventure gamers would never even consider loading a game like Lula 3D onto your hard drive and honestly, that is your loss for I laughed harder and longer while playing Lula 3D than I have at most supposedly humorous mainstream games.  If the developers were to remove the hardcore sex scenes and awful, awful action sequences, so that it could be sold at retail level (because God forbid that anyone over the age of 18 in America be able to purchase a game employing sexual situations, much better we beat up prostitutes or kill cops), I don’t doubt that Lula 3D would enjoy some sales success.  As it is now though, North American gamers can only purchase Lula 3D via a digital download, but we do have the boxed European DVD version (which was used for this review) for sale at the JA Online Store.

You can grab some official Lula 3D screensavers and trailers here, but if you really liked Lula 3D and would like to drool some more, there is a gentleman named Sickboxx who has not only written a walkthrough for the game (reprinted on JA with his kind permission), but has also created Lula skins & wallpapers, posted save games to download if you are stuck and has even posted extended levels that were deleted from the final game but could be extracted from the final code.  Now that’s devotion!

Final Grade: Double D (okay, it’s really a C+) (find out more about our grading system)

If you liked this game, then Play: Kama Sutra Watch: Pinocchio (The X-Rated version.  Tagline:  It’s Not His Nose That Grows) Read: Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask

System Requirements:

• Minimum:
Intel Pentium 1.5 GHz, 256 MB RAM, T&L-compatible graphic card 64 MB (e.g. GeForce), DVD-Rom, 2.5 GB free disk space

• Recommended:
Pentium 2 GHZ, 512 MB RAM, T&L-compatible graphic card 128 MB (e.g. GeForce), DVD-Rom, 2.5 GB free disk space