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| 16 FEB 2010 at 4:50pm | |
MissBSchattenjger  Posts : 2217 Joined: 15 OCT 2002 Status : Online | Dear Lord, I miss my dear Mother so bad today, it physically hurts. Today is a bad day....I've been vomiting for hours now (sorry, but it's true!). She was the sweetest person in the world. She took good care of me. Drove me to dance classes and school. My Mama loved me...I just wish she could have loved herself half as much. I guess I'm just upset because my aunt mailed me all her photo albums. She looked so happy in all the pictures with me. I know she worshiped the ground I walked on. But the depression took her from me. If only I could feel her hug me again.... Also, I went home this weekend from college and my step-father let me go through her things. I got all her jewelry and all her journals. It kills me to read them. Maybe I should wait a while before reading them? The pics alone are tearing me apart. Sorry to ramble, but my friends never know what to say. I'm okay...still in therapy, still in school, still have a strong support system. But sometimes, I just want to spill my guts and I know she loved this site. Any encouraging words would be appreciated. I just don't know how to deal with life without my Mama. Mom was a lot of things...a mother, a wife, a dedicated nurse....you get the picture. She was special. She was also hilarious! We would talk and laugh until we about ready to wet our pants! She took me on a mother/daughter vacation a couple of years ago to Tennessee and I've never laughed so hard in my whole life!!! We had a ball!! She was obsessed with Liberace and Professor Snape ....don't ask me why cause I don't know. My mother was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous hair! (I got my dad's hair....straight and blond...hers was auburn and naturally curly!). I repeatedly saw men stop and stare at her when we were out in public. She was oblivious to it. She also had a beautiful soul. So sweet, kind, giving. And SMART!!!! God, was she smart!!! Anyway, thanks for reading and I hope I haven't stepped over any lines. My name is Bethany and I'm the daughter of Gamergal/Michelle. |
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| 16 FEB 2010 at 5:01pm | |
| Deleted User | So sorry, Bethany, I wish I could help you somehow... [smiley=cry.gif] |
| 16 FEB 2010 at 5:03pm | |
MissBSchattenjgerPosts : 2217 Joined: 15 OCT 2002 Status : Online | Originally Posted By TheTraveler (16 FEB 2010 5:01pm) You help by just reading about my mother....thank you... My name is Bethany and I'm the daughter of Gamergal/Michelle. |
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| 16 FEB 2010 at 5:07pm | |
| Deleted User | Well, for what it's worth, I think a lot of us hurt over what had happened too, though we can never fathom how much you must be hurting, Bethany. I can just imagine it must be terrible, and I think what is happening now, is that you are completely facing the cold, hard truth now (that she is really gone), - your psyche is starting to face it without denial, and it must be truly devastating... |
| 16 FEB 2010 at 5:08pm | |
MissBSchattenjgerPosts : 2217 Joined: 15 OCT 2002 Status : Online | When we went to Tennessee, I had just gotten my driver's permit. It started snowing on the way and she made me keep driving..."You've got to learn to drive in the snow sometime. It's better you do it now while I'm here to help you." I was so scared!!! But she made it all better, encouraging me, helping me. That was the kind of person she was. My name is Bethany and I'm the daughter of Gamergal/Michelle. |
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| 16 FEB 2010 at 5:15pm | |
SirDaveGuild Master  Posts : 4941 Joined: 17 OCT 2002 Location: US Status : Offline | Bethany, there is no easy way through this or anything that can be said that will make it really better except to say that it does get better with time. It's a process. I didn't really recover from my brother's passing for two years. One thing though: Think about the qualities in yourself that you think you got from your mother and think about the qualities that are unique to yourself, but which your mother reinforced. In that sense, your mother is very much alive.
The future ain't what it used to be! |
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| 16 FEB 2010 at 5:17pm | |
JKingSchattenjger Posts : 2349 Joined: 4 MAY 2008 Location: 0 Status : Offline | Beathany, I don't think you need to worry about crossing any lines. I didn't know your mother (I didn't get the chance to know her, sadly), but I do know from looking through old posts that was very much loved here, and I think none of us mind at all hearing how you're doing---and helping if we can. I'm glad you have many fond memories of your mother, and I for one appreciate your sharing them with us. :-* You can't kill someone in a studio. |
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| 16 FEB 2010 at 5:25pm | |
MissBSchattenjgerPosts : 2217 Joined: 15 OCT 2002 Status : Online | Originally Posted By TheTraveler (16 FEB 2010 5:06pm) True...very true. It's finally starting to sink in....that she's gone....it's breaking my heart. I can pretend in my mind that she's at home waiting on me while I'm away at school, but the reality is, she's not. That's hard to swallow. I miss her phone calls, I miss her voice, I miss her hugs and kisses, I miss MY MOTHER!!!! GOD!!! WTF???!!!! I miss her SO MUCH!!! When I come to my Nana's house, she looks just like my mom...I look like my mom. I can't escape the genetic connection. When I kiss my Nana's cheek, all I can think is that it feels like Mama's. I'm really sorry...I didn't meant to spill all this here...I just don't know where to turn at this point. Like I said, it's a bad day for me. Talking about her helps me some. She wrote songs and poems about me. She loved me beyond belief. I'm supposed to see a psychiatrist next week about getting on some medication. Not too sure about that. Since major depression runs in the family, I guess it's not a bad idea. I've done my research....depression is progressive and can be stopped early. I want to get married one day and have children (my first daughter will be named after my mother). I never want my children to experience the pain I've suffered in losing my mother so young. My name is Bethany and I'm the daughter of Gamergal/Michelle. |
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| 16 FEB 2010 at 6:36pm | |
| Deleted User | Bethany, I just want to say to you, that I have an idea about depression. I thank my stars that I am not a genetic sufferer; but something very bad happened in my teenage years, which caused me to develop reactive depression, fueled by guilt and self-hatred. Believe me, I have tasted this bitter pill, this hell, and it is only because I didn't have the guts to jump off the 10 story building I climbed up on frequently for this purpose, that I am still alive today. Luckily people around me realised what was happening when the signs of anorexia started showing, (I had kept the suicidal impulses a secret from everybody) and I was put on a course of antidepressants. The anti-depressants did not take away the cause of the depression, but it really lifted that feeling that you are in hell and the terrible pshychological pain that makes you feel as if you cannot bear to live a moment longer. I am very grateful to be able to say that although I subsequent to that had relapses of depression, they were never quite as bad, and I have been free from major depression for a long time now. You might know that depression is an insiduous monster that creeps up on you, and it erodes your soul gradually until you are almost powerless to fight it on your own steam. Therefore I urge you to go for the therapy, and if anti-depressants are prescribed, to take them for a while. They are not addictive, you don't have to take them forever; but please do not let the monster of depression get it's stranglehold on you.... |
| 16 FEB 2010 at 9:49pm | |
AShadowWalkerPrivate Detective  Posts : 776 Joined: 6 AUG 2009 Status : Online | You have not crossed any line Bethany and I am saddened at your pain and loss. Everyone has different ways in the way that they react and manifest pains of loss and despondence. In your case it would seem that vomiting and generally feeling your body in stress and pain is one of the ways that you are manifesting your pain and loss. Do not be scared by it, and just as likely it is part of your process in dealing with the void in your heart and your life in missing your mothers love and companionship. It’s all right, and do not fear it. It’s a process that you are definitively going through. It is wonderful that you are remembering all the good times and loving moments your mom had for you. Those moments are the ones truly worth remembering and holding on to. Apparently they are overwhelming now, but the pains will lessen. You will not forget and you never shall loose all the pain and loss. That will be with you forever; but, the feelings of dread, fear, overwhelming sadness and loneliness for her company will subside and become more bearable, but again I say, they shall never go away. That is why is so important to remember and hold on to the best times with your mom as much as possible. As far as the pictures, it might be that even though you now have things that belonged to your mom and likewise make you remember her; like the pictures, it may be that you are still not ready to deal with going over them, and having them sent to you upsets you because you may not wish to look at them to increase your feelings of loss, and likewise looking at them you know they becomes a source of more pain and loss. Give it more time. But it’s good that you have them near you to finally look at them when you are ready to deal with them when you feel less pain. The pain is still too deep. I still have things of my mother that I have not touched or moved. And I have practically all of her clothes and shoes. I do not plan to do anything with them for the moment, because even after 7 years, they make me remember her and their presence gives me comfort. It’s as though I put into my mind at times that she is still there and will just come in and everything will pick up as always. I know better, but it still gives me comfort in its own odd way about keeping her memory with me. Please continue letting us know how you are doing and PLEASE……DO INTRUDE! Love hearing about how you felt with her, and how you are remembering her and dealing with it, so we can share both your joys and pains. Your remembrance of your mama making you drive through the snow, does feel like she had enormous faith in you to succeed on problems facing you. Yes Bethany, your mother Michelle was indeed an incredibly beautiful lady and mom, who loved granting you chances in being self-assured and giving you support for all you did. Please drop us a line more often Bethany. As weird or awful or imposing as you might think it might be and look to you. You are wrong. Think of us as a nice, sweet smelling, soft towel; that you can grab, squeeze, hold close to your heart and pour your tears into. Nothing we would love better than caress your pains away from your heart. |
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| 16 FEB 2010 at 10:00pm | |
CarolineJA+ Overseer  Posts : 16540 Joined: 28 JAN 2007 Location: AU Status : Offline | Dear Bethany I thought you'd be feeling sad last week as the day of Michelle's passing came around. I miss her too and think of you often. I'm so glad you have all the support around you because you will get through this and the pain will eventually recede so it's not the main event in your mind. You have to believe that. This time last year my niece was in therapy after trying to commit suicide several times and I let her read your letter to me. It moved her profoundly and she stuck with her weekly sessions. She has now enrolled in university and has a much brighter outlook on life. She's a different person and actually laughs now. They gave her mild anti-depressants but now she's on St John's Wort only. They've advised her to improve her nutrition and exercise regularly and stay connected to other people. Trust your therapist and continue to offload your misery onto anyone who will listen - family and us. You will prevail, dear. :-* :-* :-* |
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| 16 FEB 2010 at 11:35pm | |
chronotigger65Journeyman Posts : 1143 Joined: 23 FEB 2005 Status : Offline | I can't even imagine what it would be like to lose someone so dear to oneself. If something like this happens to me and I'm pretty sure it will I fear that I would be in a sense of sadness and negitive feelings that will never go away. I fear this a lot. I've seen talk shows in the past that the topic of one show involves people who can't overcome the grief over someone they love. The death of my cats were pretty hard but the idea of my mom, dad or brother dying would be worst. I pray I'll overcome it. |
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| 17 FEB 2010 at 3:26am | |
karlaAdministrator  Posts : 2592 Joined: 27 JUL 2003 Location: US, Close to the Edge Status : Offline | Oh, dear Bethany. I read your post with tears streaming down my face. I know very well the pain of losing someone dear. When I lost my dad in 1990, I didn't think I'd ever stop crying. He was very special and I loved him very much. I was the one who delivered news of his passing to his mother/my grandmother, who was also very special to me. It was gut-wrenching. Three months later, she was gone. In early 2004, I lost my mom. We'd been very close and I'd loved her to pieces. Two days later I lost a guy with whom I'd been in a 10-year relationship. I felt as though my insides had been ripped out. I still miss all of them very much. So much so that even now, I bawl my head off sometimes. Other times I get absolutely furious that they were taken away from me. When I get hit with these kinds of intense feelings, I don't hold them inside. I let them happen. Eventually, they subside. It helps me to remember that not everyone gets to have parents and a grandmother as wonderful as mine were. And not everyone gets to be in a relationship with a great guy, as I did. This makes me feel extremely grateful to have had them all in my life. I don't think I'll ever be free of the sense of loss I still carry, but that's okay. I like to believe that they are all in a better place now, happy and free from infirmity. And who knows -- maybe I'll see them again after I've left this vale of tears. Meanwhile, they live on in my memories of them. Last December, my brother, who is my only living blood relative, had a near-fatal heart attack. In the time since then his health has deteriorated. The thought of losing him is almost too much to bear, even though I know it's the natural progression of things. After all, no one gets out of here alive. And pain is part of life. I hope you'll continue to hang in there, Bethany. As others have said, you're not intruding here. Please share with us anytime, about anything. Know that you're in my thoughts and prayers, and that a lot of folks are pulling for you. See my portfolio of original artwork at http://home1.gte.net/res0b8zk/portfolio/resources/portfolio.htm I put my heart and soul into my work, and have lost my mind in the process. - Vincent van Gogh |
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| 17 FEB 2010 at 3:35am | |
HelenGuild Master Posts : 3436 Joined: 12 OCT 2002 Location: US Status : Offline | Bethany, Sometimes just writing down your feelings can be a great relief, like your doing here. I lost my mom when I was 17 and can relate to how lost you feel without her. Like SirDave said and as hard as it may be to believe, it will get better. I lost my younger brother 8 years ago. He was only 37 and I have to tell you I still cant visit his grave without crying. We were very close. I sometimes look at pictures and feel sad yet some bring some good memories and help me find peace with it all. I hope you do consider some help with anti-d's if your feeling that overwhelmed to get you thru this rough period and go from there. You know, I have to tell you that I totally agree with you that your mom was hillarious. I remember when she got that peeping Tom. Among a few other good stories she had, she called it like she saw it and made me laugh more than once. She was a good lady. Please dont hesitate to vent your feelings here, pm's or whatever gets you thru. Take care of yourself and keep us posted. Helen |
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| 17 FEB 2010 at 1:16pm | |
MissBSchattenjgerPosts : 2217 Joined: 15 OCT 2002 Status : Online | Thank you all for your kind responses. I'm doing a little better today. Yesterday was just awful...I didn't even go to any of my classes. I just stayed in my apartment and cried and puked my guts out. I was finally able to eat a little bit of pizza late last night and keep it down. I just never imagined I'd have to go off to college and not have the support of my mom. I was scared out of my mind when I first got here!! Thank God for my grandparents! My dad is helping them pay for my schooling, but the reality is that he's a total d*ck. He NEVER calls me and has NEVER been there for me when I needed him. Once I graduate, I don't ever want to see him again. Seriously, y'all, he is NOT a nice person. I hate him. I know he cheated on my Mom the whole time they were married and I know he beat her up a couple of times (I can't even imagine what kind of skank would voluntarily sleep with that man). NOT COOL!!! But my mom stood by him until he threw us out. I'm taller than him now and I'd like to punch him in his face and see how he likes it!! My name is Bethany and I'm the daughter of Gamergal/Michelle. |
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| 17 FEB 2010 at 2:49pm | |
AShadowWalkerPrivate DetectivePosts : 776 Joined: 6 AUG 2009 Status : Online | Originally Posted By gamergal (17 FEB 2010 1:16pm) No Bethany. o not consider punching him out. Even though you dislike and hate your father; even with good reasons, you may get to regret it. I know. I have a father that I am living with and let's say that the only reason that I do not commit murder is because I would go to jail and regret it later. Nine years ago, about 2 years before my mom passed away, both of us took him to court for abuse and mental cruelty. That is a whole story and a half, and the only reason I do not leave is because right now it is not financially sound. The time will come when I solve other more pressing problems. Anyway; it is unfortunate that you have a father that you may not count on and likewise as you say that put your mother through mental and emotional turmoil and cruelty by cheating on her and physically abusing her. The saying "what goes around comes around", is quite true many times. Get your schooling. Get your life, school priorities, and your soul in peace, and when it is time for you to go on your path playing your mom's favorite songs, get on with your life. Time can be quite a powerful teacher. Your father may one day want to come in on your life. The question is what will you do then is the question of the day. The right answer right now is that you will not know what you will do. Time and circumstances always change and you will change with time. o not let bitterness mar your life. Your father may get to truly regret what he has done to your mom and you. Who knows? But, he may one day yearn for your company and those of your children and who knows what will happen. It is outstanding that your grandparents are a good base of support for you, because at a time like this you need it most, and even so in the future even when you begin to have a life and family of your own. Your father is burning bridges with you and even though your mother stayed with him for whatever reasons of her own, he likewise burned bridges with her, and made her suffer for it as well. Providence can often give us an incredible fate and judgment call on our lives. Your father may not be ready to pay or deal with it. Especially if it turns out that you may not be there for him. He may feel that he does not need you now. Things change. And bitterness of the soul can give and awful punishment to him one day, even if he says that it doesn't bother him...who knows. He may one day be afraid to go it alone, which is what he is sowing now. And you may not be there for him. And he now knows that. It might just be too hard for him to come to terms with your mom and you. |
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| 17 FEB 2010 at 2:50pm | |
Starchild with a bobgunIntergalactic Janitor  Posts : 93 Joined: 22 AUG 2009 Location: NL Status : Offline | [img]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Kz_QkwCLqFY/S0V-WvQK4kI/AAAAAAAAFqI/nulJSEXR1r4/s320/sympathy.jpg[/img] Still Intergalactic Janitor after all these years.
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| 17 FEB 2010 at 3:12pm | |
MissBSchattenjgerPosts : 2217 Joined: 15 OCT 2002 Status : Online | Originally Posted By AShadowWalker (17 FEB 2010 2:49pm)Originally Posted By gamergal (17 FEB 2010 1:16pm) |
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| 17 FEB 2010 at 3:19pm | |
MissBSchattenjgerPosts : 2217 Joined: 15 OCT 2002 Status : Online | BTW, my Mother never took any abuse from anyone after they divorced. I guess he taught her something!! My name is Bethany and I'm the daughter of Gamergal/Michelle. |
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| 17 FEB 2010 at 6:31pm | |
AShadowWalkerPrivate DetectivePosts : 776 Joined: 6 AUG 2009 Status : Online | Originally Posted By gamergal (17 FEB 2010 3:12pm)Originally Posted By AShadowWalker (17 FEB 2010 2:49pm)Originally Posted By gamergal (17 FEB 2010 1:16pm) |
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| 17 FEB 2010 at 10:01pm | |
CarolineJA+ OverseerPosts : 16540 Joined: 28 JAN 2007 Location: AU Status : Offline | Bethany dear, Your mum told me about her first marriage. It' unfortunate but your parents were both very young at the time and it wasn't a good match. But your mum came out of it with you and because of you she had so much love and laughter and purpose in her life. I think it would be a healthy aim for you to try and not think about him too much. I think you only do think about him because you're lonely. A lot of us have had inadequate fathers so we understand this pain of not having what we think we need. Do you get along with Chris - and how is he coping without your Mum? Perhaps you could talk to him more? As for your father - he's doing far more than a lot of other Dads do. He's paying for your education and staying out of your life. Let him off the hook dear - he's really not worth your attention. And deep down, I think the only reason you think about him at all is because hating him hurts less than loving your mum and missing her. Sorry dear. It's a dangerous path to tread, filling your mind with hatred. Blank him out. Try and get involved with social things with your college buddies. |
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| 18 FEB 2010 at 5:30pm | |
MissBSchattenjgerPosts : 2217 Joined: 15 OCT 2002 Status : Online | Originally Posted By Caroline (17 FEB 2010 10:01pm) You're right, Miss Caroline. I'm having trouble making friends at college and I'm very lonely. I come home to my Nana's almost every weekend. I'm doing much better today....not feeling so angry at life. Do you get along with Chris - and how is he coping without your Mum? Perhaps you could talk to him more? Chris calls me every week. He's more of a father to me than my real dad has ever been. He even sends me money! He's VERY lonely and depressed without my mother. God, how he loved her!!! I hope he finds someone else to love eventually. He's a good man, the best, and deserves to be happy. He was laid off for 4 months (he's an electriciain), but is back at work now. He's such a sweetheart. I've decided to take up dancing again. Chris is going to pay for my lessons. I called a local studio and it's too late in the season to get in with the group, but Chris and Nana told me to sign up for private lessons so I can get back in the groove. I think it will be good for me. I continue to have good days and bad, but the good ones are FINALLY starting to outweigh the bad. I visit Mama's grave when I come home and talk to her. Sounds crazy, right? But I can almost hear her responses. We knew each other so well that I can imagine what she would say. Thank y'all for listening to me ramble..... My name is Bethany and I'm the daughter of Gamergal/Michelle. |
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| 18 FEB 2010 at 9:10pm | |
anthonyJourneyman Posts : 1270 Joined: 11 JUN 2003 Status : Offline | Originally Posted By Gamer (17 FEB 2010 3:35am) I agree that she had a great sense of humor and a comedian's touch with many of her posts, especially her rants about work. I always think that a sense of humor is most important in getting us through the tough times. I tend to imagine that if a person can see humor and irony in dour situations, s/he can perservere through these rainy seasons of life. Laughter is unimportant when you're happy but essential when you're blue. But I guess that even humor has its limitations. I didn't know her all that well but I do think she had a lot to offer this world and it's sad that she is not doing so. I'm sorry for your lingering pain, Bethany |
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| 19 FEB 2010 at 12:55am | |
Lady KestrelGuild Master Posts : 4038 Joined: 27 SEP 2004 Location: US, NJ Status : Offline | Hugs to you, Bethany. I'm sorry you've been hurting so much. "Where is the fountain that throws up these flowers in a ceaseless outbreak of ecstasy?" -Rabindranath Tagore |
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| 19 FEB 2010 at 1:24pm | |
Taurnil MithrandirJourneyman Posts : 1093 Joined: 13 AUG 2006 Status : Online | Hugs from me also. ....set the controls for the heart of the sun.... |
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