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| 30 AUG 2008 at 12:20pm |
| Deleted User | I received this email today purporting to have originated from John Cleese.
(I am only surprised that he didn't demand writing dates like all sane people in the rest of the world ---
day-month-year !
*** A Message from John Cleese
To: The citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
5. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline" - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
--- Continued next post ---
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| 30 AUG 2008 at 12:27pm |
| Deleted User | 15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ear removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of Jessies - English slang for "Big Girls Blouse".
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
21. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
22. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear as in "clear" NOT Nucular.
God save the Queen.
Only He can.
[size=14]John Cleese
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Explore the seven wonders of the world Learn more!
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| 30 AUG 2008 at 12:56pm |
chronotigger65Journeyman
Posts : 1143
Joined: 23 FEB 2005
Status : Offline | Sounds like stuff straight out of a Harry Turtledove novel.
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| 30 AUG 2008 at 1:23pm |
CarolineJA+ Overseer
Posts : 16540
Joined: 28 JAN 2007
Location: AU
Status : Offline | Ahh yes, round-a-bouts. Big, enormous multi-exit round-a-bouts with insufficient signage. I know them well. idn't make me laugh last year.... almost cause a divorce those bloody round-a-bouts.... >
I daresay they'll revolt and tip their teabags into Boston harbour again..... [sigh]
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| 30 AUG 2008 at 2:04pm |
Mr Innocent.Journeyman
Posts : 1317
Joined: 15 JAN 2008
Location: GR
Status : Offline | Originally Posted By LenG (30 AUG 2008 12:20pm)
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
Originally Posted By LenG (30 AUG 2008 12:20pm)
Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.
[smiley=rofl.gif] [smiley=rofl.gif] [smiley=rofl.gif] [smiley=rofl.gif] [smiley=rofl.gif] [smiley=rofl.gif] [smiley=rofl.gif] [smiley=rofl.gif] [smiley=rofl.gif] [smiley=rofl.gif] [smiley=rofl.gif]
Originally Posted By LenG (30 AUG 2008 12:20pm)
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
Surely you mean it's been driving us batty.
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| 30 AUG 2008 at 3:46pm |
LadyDiIntergalactic Janitor
Posts : 11
Joined: 11 JUN 2007
Status : Online | Loved it! Am just going to show it to my British husband who will no doubt agree with every word.
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| 30 AUG 2008 at 9:36pm |
Lucien21Guild Master
Posts : 4876
Joined: 9 JUL 2003
Location: 0
Status : Offline | Originally Posted By Snow Goddess (30 AUG 2008 1:23pm)
almost cause a divorce those bloody round-a-bouts.... >
Maybe Hubbie should have had one of these installed.
http://www.iwantoneofthose.com/sat-nag/index.html
Dear Diary, My teenage angst bullsh*t now has a bodycount.
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| 30 AUG 2008 at 11:03pm |
AndromusGuild Master
Posts : 5538
Joined: 6 NOV 2002
Status : Offline | Speaking as an American, I can't decide whether to be mortally offended, or burst out laughing -- whether or not it's from John Cleese, it's pretty funny nevertheless.
Though nobody is taking ketchup away from my french fries....for what, malt vinegar? Sounds atrocious. And we'll agree to stop playing football and baseball when the Brits give up cricket in exchange. It's a sport where apparently nobody really understands all the rules, and it takes a week to play a match.
I do approve of the idea of teatime. Anything that lets one take a break between lunch and supper and have a nice snack is alright by me.
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| 30 AUG 2008 at 11:31pm |
CarolineJA+ Overseer
Posts : 16540
Joined: 28 JAN 2007
Location: AU
Status : Offline | Lucien. If I gave him a Sat Nag what would I do?
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| 31 AUG 2008 at 12:54am |
| Deleted User | ~~ Andromus ~~
Speaking as an American, I can't decide whether to be mortally offended, or burst out laughing
I think the latter.
But having been born, "bred" & educated in the UK, I must say I'm no fan of American football or baseball.
Cricket is admittedly an acquired taste., although I did play for my school in that game, and also its rugby team in winter until I broke my right forearm (a savage game indeed) !
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| 31 AUG 2008 at 1:07am |
CarolineJA+ Overseer
Posts : 16540
Joined: 28 JAN 2007
Location: AU
Status : Offline | The only cricket worth watching is the highlights on the evening news. It's all catches and dives and backslapping fun.... and over in 2 minutes.
As for baseball - I quite like that. It's a lot like rounders, a game English schoolkids play with a flat bat and no body armour. But it's not played here so I haven't been subjected to endless hours of on TV to get bored by it.
As for American football - I guess they need all those breaks to catch their breath again. After all they are wearing 40lbs of shoulder padding. :
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| 31 AUG 2008 at 8:02am |
| Deleted User | Originally Posted By Andromus (30 AUG 2008 11:03pm)
Speaking as an American, I can't decide whether to be mortally offended, or burst out laughing -- whether or not it's from John Cleese, it's pretty funny nevertheless.
Good for you, Andromus - show them that Americans do have a sense of humour after all!
And we'll agree to stop playing football and baseball when the Brits give up cricket in exchange. It's a sport where apparently nobody really understands all the rules, and it takes a week to play a match.
Touché on the cricket! I'm so glad to see that someone else in the world finds this game [s]boring[/s] rather tedious and long-winded. I actually bought a book so as to try and understand the rules, but gave up on page two. [smiley=yawn.gif] [smiley=sleeping.gif]
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| 31 AUG 2008 at 8:43am |
alkis21Schattenjger
Posts : 2112
Joined: 23 OCT 2002
Location: GR
Status : Offline | Can Greece claim Kansas if her majesty doesn't fancy it? I've always wanted to visit Jason Hart's birthplace.
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| 31 AUG 2008 at 10:00am |
| Deleted User | "her majesty" without capitals !
My my [size=16]Alkis --- you're slipping !!
BTW ... I know that you're a soccer nut. I played soccer in our local park, fortunately only about 200 yards from our house, with any other kids around of no specific team, pretty well every winter day or afternoon after elementary school, until I was forced into rugger (as rugby was called all those years ago) at secondary school when I was 11+.
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| 31 AUG 2008 at 11:06am |
alkis21Schattenjger
Posts : 2112
Joined: 23 OCT 2002
Location: GR
Status : Offline | "Soccer" instead of "football"! You're the one who's slipping.
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| 31 AUG 2008 at 11:20am |
| Deleted User | Please correct me if I'm wrong --- certainly can be... my teenage years finished 65 years ago!
The most popular USA sports-games derive from British sports --- and all except one from girls'/ladies' sports. The exception being American football which is a variation of rugby which in my day was played without any protection whatsoever (e.g. no helmets, knee pads, shoulder shields whatever) and not too much more today.
When the boys in UK played soccer or rugby or cricket, the girls played hockey or rounders or netball.
Ladies' rounders is the mother of USA baseball: Women's netball is the grandmother of basketball!
And the relatively peaceful UK female sport of hockey has turned into the ultra-violent scrimmages of USA ice-hockey!
The one time I watched a live ice-hockey match in USA was in Orange County in January 2007 where the ear-splitting roars of excited applause from the thousands of spectators came frequently when 2 of the players bashed each other up in a personal fight!
Footnote :- I believe that that year they won the National Championship !!
Not that I would for a moment (G-d Forbid) run down any of the sacred American games !!! [smiley=evil.gif] [smiley=devil_smiley_grintail.gif]
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| 31 AUG 2008 at 12:30pm |
Lucien21Guild Master
Posts : 4876
Joined: 9 JUL 2003
Location: 0
Status : Offline | Isn't Basketball the only sport that America has invented and it was invented by a Canadian.
Dear Diary, My teenage angst bullsh*t now has a bodycount.
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| 31 AUG 2008 at 12:46pm |
alkis21Schattenjger
Posts : 2112
Joined: 23 OCT 2002
Location: GR
Status : Offline | I don't know if it's the only sport, but you're right about the Canadian part. The same man was also the one who suggested the use of a helmet in American football.
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| 31 AUG 2008 at 1:11pm |
CarolineJA+ Overseer
Posts : 16540
Joined: 28 JAN 2007
Location: AU
Status : Offline | When I played hockey at school (most reluctantly let me add >) it was against the rules for us to lift the stick beyond shoulder height. This rule didn't exist in men's hockey. Thugs.
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| 31 AUG 2008 at 5:06pm |
Terry PenrodGrand Inquisitor
Posts : 6693
Joined: 16 OCT 2004
Location: US, Texas
Status : Offline | .
Originally Posted By Lucien21 (31 AUG 2008 12:29pm)
Isn't Basketball the only sport that America has invented and it was invented by a Canadian.
What?!?! Monster Truck Racing isn't a sport?
Cheers, Terry
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| 31 AUG 2008 at 5:39pm |
SirDaveGuild Master
Posts : 4941
Joined: 17 OCT 2002
Location: US
Status : Offline | Originally Posted By Snow Goddess (31 AUG 2008 1:11pm)
When I played hockey at school (most reluctantly let me add >) it was against the rules for us to lift the stick beyond shoulder height. This rule didn't exist in men's hockey. Thugs.
In fact, the NHL (National Hockey League) has a 'high-sticking rule'. You may not make contact with the puck or touch/contact an opponent with a stick above shoulder level.
The future ain't what it used to be!
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| 31 AUG 2008 at 9:30pm |
| Deleted User | Whether netball was or was not invented by a Canadian in the last few years of the 19th century, it was a very popular female sport 25 years later when I was born.
When I was in my early teens, it seemed to be played ONLY by women and girls, and primarily in Gt. Britain and it's then colonies and dependencies.
I never heard of basketball, or even mention of the name/word, anywhere in the world until decades later !
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| 31 AUG 2008 at 11:51pm |
CarolineJA+ Overseer
Posts : 16540
Joined: 28 JAN 2007
Location: AU
Status : Offline | All the girls in Australia play netball and it is extremely popular as an adult sport and something offices get up mixed teams to play. In summer the courts in the parklands are packed as the league battle it out. Can't stand the game myself.
At school there was always two girls too many - Me and my friend Hilary. We'd then get permission to play badminton. LOL I would scowl at the girls picking the teams and shake my head - they knew better than to pick me. I was class captain but I SUCKED at team games. I literally could not see the strategy; I couldn't catch the ball and instantly decide who was the best person to throw it to. Talk about STRESS.... [smiley=hair_pull.gif]
SirDave
The sticks rule I mentioned was in land hockey. Boys were allowed to belt the hell out of the ball by doing what amounted to a golf swing whereas girls had to settle for just 'pushing' the ball. My school was (without any help from me) the county champions in all age groups year after year in this sport. We had dozens of shiny trophies and I really enjoyed the time off we'd be given every year in celebration of our teams' victories.
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| 1 SEP 2008 at 12:08am |
| Deleted User | Happy happy days --- despite the aggravations ("Aggro" I believe it's called today)!
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| 1 SEP 2008 at 2:11am |
CarolineJA+ Overseer
Posts : 16540
Joined: 28 JAN 2007
Location: AU
Status : Offline | Happy Days? Mixed memories Len. There is a website in UK called Friends Reunited and I've recently been chatting with a couple of junior school companions. Rather interesting the tensions it stirs up. We've been talking about the school bullies and exchanging whatever gossip we knew. And as we're all 50 this year they have been having reunions etc which is something I am excluded from being all the way out here. Just found out a boy I had a crush on in year 6 committed suicide. Sad. Gorgeous looking lad.
Junior school was a bit of a jungle for me. Huge classes (40 kids), boys who were pests and bullies and the trauma of every year being separated from my friends. My sons have had an easier time of it than I did.
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