Originally Posted By Caroline (26 MAY 2007 10:36pm)
Shadow
The reason some people on the internet (and this forum is no different) get upset with the strangers they talk to is because they retain ownership of their words even after setting them a-sail.

You managed to make of my poem something revolting.  That's all.  It is text.  I'm not angry, just dumbfounded that such a complete reversal of intent could be achieved so easily.

I'm also just a tad uncertain about the mind that can create such an effect or the motivation behind such an act...... but let's stick to the text.  :

Talking of sticking.... I used the word 'sticky' not as a general Australian slang term - because it isn't, but as a description of how your sex poem felt.

It read like porn and I stopped reading it at line 7 - just when we reached the 'blistering caverns of velvety silk'   what, she has an STD?  I have since read the whole thing just to make sure that I wasn't mistaken.  Yep, definitely sticky.  There's a strong inference of sweat and bodily fluids and gooey over-romanticised emotion.   I also thought the layout rather interesting and would like to know why you set the lines out the way you did.  I actually thought the poem was very effective - if in the wrong context.

How long did it take you to write it and is it one you have written some time ago or just now?

Originally Posted By JJ (28 MAY 2007 7:41am)
Get a room you two.  Otherwise do it by PM ............ you're giving me the creeps. [smiley=blush.gif]

Originally Posted By Caroline (27 MAY 2007 10:47pm)
Shadow

I did notice the two souls bit but it came late in the action, like it was a polite afterthought.   I didn't like it.  In fact if you take it out the poem works just fine.   The first part of the peom is about sex not souls/love/emotion.  And there's nothing wrong with that.  It's heavy with sex, it drips with the sweat of their exertions.  Why mix the message, why throw in the souls bit - as a sop to convention?  

Besides, I don't regard sex as soul sharing.  I think that requires speech.  

  Maybe I've been married too long.  Maybe it's just a girl thing.

'patently' as in obviously....I don't like... have you considered another word which might carry emotion or perhaps even leaving it out.  The final line is too important to have a word that means nothing.  

I do not like 'blistering'... it's ugly and what does it mean?  How about getting rid of damp and blistering and inserting 'enveloping' or 'welcoming'.  

And isn't it a bitch having your poetry criticised?  

Originally Posted By Caroline (28 MAY 2007 10:31pm)
PS  Shadow

Get rid of ferociously and savagely, sounds like he's raping her.  And there are still too many adjectives - try it without the damp.  

amp is a weak word, unpleasant, half-arsed sort of dripping cavern type of imagery.  See you kept souls in.  Why attribute a metaphysical aspect to something that is purely physical?  Are they regular lovers - if so, why the solitude?   If strangers, then why the souls?  

Originally Posted By Alan Thorn (28 MAY 2007 7:45pm)
Little Roger is a writer. He's a bit behind the times.
His words have no meaning except the meaning he assigns.
Roger is short, he is; and perhaps shorter than he is tall.                    
But Roger is short, no question; though taller than he is small.
Next-Gen Roger, the consumer. Consumes he does with haste:
Enticing goods and iPod things; but he produces only waste.
Below the land of living and above the land of dead,
In that land where Roger lives there are only words instead.
He writes himself a living. He writes himself a friend.
He writes himself a whole bloody mess, a mess to never end.
TV Star, Best Pal. Best friends there can be none.
For in a world of roger's making, the world is of only one.
His Consumer led recovery. His free market made at home.
Where he's free to take its orders and pretend they are his own.
And so the world of channel surfers, raised on TV dinners
Digest a daily diet of history according to winners.
And there's Roger. Roger is a writer. A slave without place.
Cos Roger is made from words, and words are lost in space.
The slave who picks his master is a slave by occupation,
Just as truth can never be when truth is interpretation.

Originally Posted By JJ (28 MAY 2007 7:41am)
Get a room you two.  Otherwise do it by PM ............ you're giving me the creeps. [smiley=blush.gif]