Articles

by Jeff Strand January 17, 2003

The Seriously Whacked Point of View "Me & My New Playstation 2" by Jeff Strand

It's official…Santa Claus grades on a curve. I know this because despite my many transgressions (such as writing my past few columns), for Christmas this year I got a Playstation 2. Of course, I also got a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, the Harry Potter tie-in produced by the fine folks at Jelly Belly. You know how they make those buttered popcorn flavored jelly beans, which taste exactly like buttered popcorn and are thus deeply unnatural and frightening? The Bertie Bott brand comes in such flavors as sardine, earwax, and vomit. You may think that the vomit flavored ones aren't REALLY going to taste like vomit, but mere words cannot express just how wrong you are. I let one of my co-workers try one, and his reaction was (and I quote): "Accck! Accck! Accck! Accck! Accck! Accck! Accck!" which was pretty close to what I said.

Anyway, I did also receive the Playstation 2, a gift that elicited mixed reactions: a) "Woo-hoo! I got a Playstation 2!" and b) "Crap! Now I'll never get any writing done!"

I should have immediately thrown the vicious time-sucking device away, but I didn't want to be rude. I haven't owned a console gaming system since the original Nintendo, and I barely even got to play that because my college roommate was always hogging it, and he kept inviting over his obnoxious friend who would slam the controllers against the floor when he lost and who I finally (I swear) put on time-out for fifteen minutes. But I'm straying from the main point, as I did in the first paragraph when I talked about vomit-flavored jelly jeans. The main point is that I was excited to give the wide-open world of the Playstation 2 a try.

The first thing I tried out was Tetris, oblivious to the irony that I was testing out my state-of-the-art gaming system on something like Tetris. But this is no ordinary Tetris, ladies and gentlemen, this is Tetris Worlds, or, Tetris with a plot. Yes, a plot. Are there really players out there who weren't able to relate to the original game because they didn't know WHY those blocks were falling from the sky? Though I admire the dedication on the part of the designers, I have to wonder if adding a backstory to something like Tetris is truly fulfilling a legitimate need in the gaming community.

Next I put in Resident Evil, because it has zombies in it. Though I consider myself a fairly discerning gamer, if it's got zombies, I want to play it. However, three things became immediately evident:

1. Resident Evil has really, really bad acting and dialogue.
2. I suck at Resident Evil.
3. If you suck at Resident Evil, you have to listen to the really, really bad acting and dialogue over and over.

I wandered down a hallway and got killed by a zombie. I started over, wandered down the same hallway, and got killed by the zombie again. I went back down that hallway, flailed at the zombie with my knife, and got killed again. I tried again and died again. I tried yet again and died yet again. Then I actually managed to hit the zombie with my knife before it killed me. After numerous attempts, each of which required me to listen to the really, really bad opening dialogue, I finally killed the zombie. Then a few seconds later it got back up and killed me again.

Finally I decided to try playing as the female character, Jill Valentine, who has a gun! Why on earth was I playing as the knife-toting loser guy? I blew the holy heck out of the zombie, then wandered around the mansion, wiping out zombies-a-plenty and nearly wetting myself when a mutant dog suddenly broke through the window.

I also got Mister Mosquito, a gloriously bizarre Japanese import. You're a mosquito cruising around the home of the Yamada family, and your goal is to suck their blood. You do this by flying in circles, smacking into walls, and directing harsh profanity at the controller. At least that's what I did. After I bothered to read the instructions, however, the game became a lot of fun. I think it's safe to say that you've never played anything like Mister Mosquito before, and any game where the characters swat mosquitos using their martial arts skills demands serious attention.

All in all, though, despite the overall entertainment value I've received so far from my Playstation 2, it is a dangerous device that must be locked away. I have a friend named Linda Bleser (http://www.lindableser.com) who writes really gruesome horror and really girly romance, and she also got a Playstation 2 for Christmas this year. Whereas I have some mild sense of restraint and decency, she sat down and played Final Fantasy X all the way through, and then started playing it again just to make sure she didn't miss anything the first time around. Her family is going hungry, but she cares not.

Fortunately, my life is in better shape than hers because all of my hours lost to the Playstation 2 can be classified as "column research." I suggested that she do the same, but she said it would only take time away from her game playing.

Now I'm off to see what adventure games are available for this thing...

You can visit the official Seriously Whacked webpage at http://www.jeffstrand.com, and subscribe to the equally official Seriously Whacked newsletter by sending a blank e-mail to seriouslywhacked-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.