Articles

The Seriously Whacked Point of View

by Jeff Strand

BIO: Jeff Strand is the author of several ridiculous novels, including Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary), Single White Psychopath Seeks Same, and How to Rescue a Dead Princess. He strongly encourages Just Adventure visitors everywhere to subscribe to his free newsletter at seriouslywhacked-subscribe@yahoogroups.com and visit his website at http://www.jeffstrand.com. He admits that he no longer has the glasses, mustache, tuxedo, or bubbles that appear in his photo.

A short while ago that shadowy figure of ill-repute, Randy Sluganski, asked me to write a regular column for Just Adventure. My reaction was an immediate "Yes!" Not because of the money, or the obnoxious self-promotion opportunities, or even the hordes of groupies. I did it because accepting his offer meant that from this point forward, playing computer games is no longer a frivolous waste of time...instead, I'm WORKING!

Think about it. In my pre-columnist days, exchanges similar to the following were very common:

MY WIFE: "Honey, the neighbors have complained that our lawn engulfed another one of their children. Do you think you could mow it?"

ME: "Can't. Guybrush needs to win the spitting contest."

MY WIFE: "I beg your [remarkably creative expletive deleted] pardon?"

ME: "Uhh...uhh...uhh...uhh...uhh...sorry?"

[Comical sounds of pain and destruction.]

Kind of pathetic, isn't it? But no longer. Thanks to my status as a fully licensed Just Adventure columnist, let's look at the new, improved scenario:

MY WIFE: "Honey, the neighbors have complained that the aroma from the dishes in our sink is disrupting their satellite TV reception. Do you think you could wash them?"

ME: "Can't. I'm playing Leisure Suit Larry Violates Monkey Island again to research my Just Adventure column, the one that will pay for your third Mercedes."

MY WIFE: "Oh, I'm terribly sorry! You keep playing...I'll wash them right away! And enjoy those hordes of groupies!"

Yes, I've been given a gift more precious than gold: a legitimate excuse to sit around all day playing adventure games. Life is good. (The downside to this whole situation is that I actually have to write a column every couple of weeks, which kinda sucks.)

Of course, when I was a kid living in the tropical paradise of Fairbanks, Alaska, I could play games all day long without an excuse...and usually did. Mostly, my friends and I hung out at the Giant Grinder, a sinister place that had the biggest video arcade in town. Unholy things happened there on a regular basis; namely, kids played video games. We didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, or procreate with each other, but "I'm going to the Giant Grinder" had the same connotations as "I'm going to the crackhouse next door to share a few hypodermic needles. Want me to bring you back an unbathed prostitute?"

But really, the Giant Grinder was a perfectly safe place. It was dark but clean, and if one of the games ate your quarter (I guess I'm dating myself by using the singular), the staff would immediately refund your money, no questions asked. But society knew that video games were corrupting our youth, even somebody like myself, who was honest to such a nerdy degree that once when Donkey Kong malfunctioned and started giving out free games, I reported it to the management. ("You're complaining about that?" asked the baffled guy behind the counter.)

Some of you reading this column may not have existed in the early 1980's, or at least been too preoccupied learning to walk and/or speak to pay attention to video game controversies. While you know that some people get bent out of shape over the bodies-a-poppin' fun of something like Duke Nuke'Em, you probably don't think that anybody ever got ticked off over the relative innocence of something like Defender, where you blew up some spaceships and defended multi-colored humanoids that didn't look much like any humanoid I'd ever known even by 1980 standards (although I can't speak for the 1960's). If you let the humanoids fall to their death, they broke into a few pixels. If Defender were remade today, you'd probably see a two-minute video each time of the humanoids impaling themselves on various protruding portions of the planet's surface.

But, yes, the whole argument about video games turning our youth into the Violent Lunatic Brigade was every bit as prevalent in the Defender days as it is now (and it wasn't just the violence...I'm pretty sure I read something about Pac-Man causing obesity). And in ten years, when computers are equipped with hoses to spray faux-blood and body parts on delighted gamers, the same kids who are playing games right now will be getting their collective panties/boxers/thongs/Saran wrap in a twist.

The lesson? Adults like to gripe.

Unfortunately, back in those innocent Defender days, the pro-video game adults did a lousy job sticking up for their hobby. They kept arguing that video games helped develop hand-eye coordination. To the best of my memory, that's the only thing they ever said. You heard it all over the place, despite it being, with all due respect to the video game supporters of the time, really stupid.

"This is my son Charlie. Before he started playin' Q*Bert, it took him six or seven times to pick up a glass of orange juice. But now it never takes him more than two or three. Go on, Charlie, show the people how you can pick up that glass of orange juice."

"Aw, Pa, I don't wanna."

"Now, mind your sassin' and pick up that orange juice. Show 'em your hand-eye coordination before I go and belt you one. There. See that? See how he was lookin' at the orange juice with his eye, and then his hand picked it up? Didya see it? That's the Q*Bert influence."

"I once heard Q*Bert say a dirty word."

"What did I say about your sassin', boy?"

You'll notice that I've been talking about violent shooting games instead of adventure games, despite the fact that the attractive "Just Adventure" logo appears at the top of this screen. That's because the people who get their panties/boxers/chastity belts/spiked leather g-strings in a twist rarely differentiate between the two, even though playing adventure games is more valuable for our nation's youth than studying algebra.

I know this because I kept asking my evil algebra teacher why we needed this stuff, and she always explained that algebra was teaching us problem-solving skills. Well, that's what adventure games do! And quite honestly, the average person is much more likely to be in a situation where they have to locate a stick and some chewing gum, attach the gum to the end of the stick, and use the stick to retrieve some keys from a sewer than they are to have anything to do with "coefficients."

Unfortunately, once you're out of school and nobody is bugging you about what variable x equals, you can't use the "I'm developing my problem solving skills" excuse anymore, nor can you get away with "I'm trying to annoy the concerned parents who don't know any better." What you need is a Just Adventure column.

I've got mine. Life is good.